It was a dark and stormy night
by Jojo6
Summary: *New - Prequel!* Written by Jojo and Michelle V to see how many cliches we could get into one fic. S/J. Humour. Not to be taken seriously. Sexual references and swearing. Prequel - Season 3. Sequels - Season 6/7
1. Default Chapter

Title: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a Jaffa yelled "Kree!" 

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All seasons, including Season 7. *General* spoilers, however, not episode specific.

Authors: Jojo and Michelle V. http://sg1michelle.homestead.com/ 

Disclaimer: Not ours

A/N: Basically, Michelle and I were having a competition to see who could come up with the most clichéd S/J Stargate fanfic ideas. Somehow it ended up as a fic. A long one. No cats were harmed in the making of this story.

**It Was a Dark and Stormy Night. **

**Suddenly a Jaffa Yelled "Kree!"**

by Jojo & Michelle V. 

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, and, having finishing his in depth conversation with Colonel O'Neill about the human's love for Major Carter, murmured his catchphrase, "Indeed." Then he left. 

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Jack moaned while banging his head on his desk, thinking about Sam. If he was honest, he really *never* thought about anything else. 

Jonas sat in front of the TV, eating a banana and wearing an extremely tight black T-shirt, and intently studied the weather patterns over Montana. He didn't know why he was suddenly so interested in Montana of all places. Perhaps it was the way it sounded. 'Mon-tana'. Mmm. Sometimes he said it out loud when he was alone. He was alone a lot. 

General Hammond, who, for some reason, was passing by Jonas's office on the way to Jack's, ignored Jonas and his disturbing banana, and hurried towards Jack O'Neill's office. He threw open the door. "Son, I thought you should know. I just got this letter from the President..." 

Hurriedly, Jack stuffed his Gameboy into the top drawer of his desk and pretended he had actually been reading Major Carter's report, when in reality the allure of Super Mario Bros VII had simply been too much for his love-sick brain. 

Hammond, ignoring Jack's disturbing Gameboy obsession, continued. "...it says 'Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter are hereby authorized to make hot monkey love on the briefing room table. Thanks, and keep up the good work. Your pal, W.'" 

Jack, his gray hair sticking up all over the place in his characteristically boyish manner, pulled something out of the drawer. Both he and Hammond admired the antique, *massive*, diamond engagement ring. 

"My mom gave this to me," Jack said soulfully. Suddenly he jumped up. "But first... the hot monkey love!" 

Jack rushed into Sam's lab with a grin on his face and a massive bulge in his pocket. "The letter we've been waiting for has finally arrived!" 

"Darling!" Sam threw her arms around him. 

"But before we do anything Sammy, I first want to read you this." Jack pulled out a paper and cleared his throat. "For you, my love. The words to 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion." 

"Every night in my dreams 

I see you. I feel you. 

That is how I know you go on. 

Far across the distance 

And spaces between us 

You have come to show you go on. 

Near, far, wherever you are 

I believe that the heart does go on 

Once more you open the door 

And you're here in my heart 

And my heart will go on and on 

Love can touch us one time 

And last for a lifetime 

And never go till we're one 

Love was when I loved you 

One true time I hold to 

In my life we'll always go on 

Near, far, wherever you are 

I believe that the heart does go on 

Once more you open the door 

And you're here in my heart 

And my heart will go on and on 

There is some love that will not 

go away 

You're here, there's nothing I fear, 

And I know that my heart will go on 

We'll stay forever this way 

You are safe in my heart 

And my heart will go on and on." 

Tears misted Sam's beautiful wide blue eyes and she swept a hand across them, sniffing delicately. 

"Holy Hannah, Jack, that was so beautiful. More beautiful than my naquadah reactor, more beautiful than any number of my extremely complex mathematical astrophysics equations. And now... for the hot monkey love! Where do you want to start?" 

"Well, the Prez requested the briefing room table." 

"Great idea! Good old W." She grabbed his hand and pulled him from her lab. "Coincidentally, I'm wearing my skimpiest, sexiest matching underwear set today!" 

"Holy buckets!" 

Daniel, emerging from his office, blinking owlishly behind his glasses - for he was wearing his glasses today, despite the fact that he wasn't actually near sighted. "But Jack... my rocks!" he cried, holding said rocks with one hand. 

"I thought they were artifacts, Danny." Jack said, repressing his urge to call the man four-eyes. After all, he was. 

Daniel reached up to smack his forehead with his hand and missed - seeing as he wasn't really there. "Wait a minute - why should I care about any of this?" he asked before glowing away. 

"So, on to the sex then?" Jack asked. 

"Yes please," she answered, purring into his ear. 

Suddenly, the bright light of an Asgard transport ray filled the hall, taking Jack with it. 

"Son of a bitch!" Sam yelled. 

Janet ran onto the scene, panting, out of breath. She'd been worried she wouldn't make it into the plot. Pulling a needle out of her pocket, she waved it in the air. "Napoleonic power monger right here! Anyone need sedation? Sam - what's wrong? Never mind, let's have a conversation about Cassie. After all, that's all we have in common beyond being the only two women of any importance on this base." 

Sam, sexually frustrated (again), turned to her friend and sighed. "Let's go and get drunk in O'Malleys, Jan." 

The petite doctor looked up and up at her friend. "But I thought you were banned from there?" 

"Oh no. I hit on the manager and even he seemed to know about my Black Widow curse so he gave in and unbanned me." 

"That's great." Pocketing the needle, Janet smiled placidly. "Oh... didn't I see you run past with Colonel O'Neill earlier?" 

"Yeah. We were gonna have sex but the Asgard zapped him up." 

"Shit. That really sucks." 

"Yeah. It does. And Janet, you're swearing! You never swear!" 

"It's after nine o'clock. I figured we could risk it. So... which T-shirt do you think Jonas looks best in? The black one or the desert one?" 

Meanwhile high above Earth, Jack looked at Thor mournfully. If only he could make Thor understand why he needed to be sent back. NOW. But thousands of years without sex tended to make a man lose his drive. If in fact Thor was a man. He really found it hard to believe that anyone would ever name a woman Thor. Jack realized that he was simultaneously sad for both Thor's lack of action and his name. Poor Thor. 

"Thor, buddy. I know that the Replicators have gotten loose. And I've got to say, it's really not my problem." 

Thor blinked. 

"You see, I was just about to have some hot monkey love with my 2IC on the briefing room table. And then propose to her. Probably in that order. You know, kind of test the waters before making any kind of commitment. After all, it's gotta be pretty good to put up with chick crap lying all over the house." 

Thor blinked. 

"Come on! If you don't hurry up, before you know it she'll be going out with Janet and talking about Jonas' tight shirts." 

Before speaking, Thor blinked. "You speak of Jonas Quinn, the tight-shirted one. He is legend throughout the galaxy. Some call him 'The Slut of Kelowna', others 'He Who Struts His Stuff.' Frankly we were surprised when you let him join SG-1, O'Neill." 

"I *knew* it!" Jack kicked the wall. 

* 

Back on Earth, Teal'c was roaming the hallways, studying the humans with his usual stoicness. Behind him, a trail of surprisingly skimpily clad Air Force nurses followed murmuring things to one another. The odd word would reach his ears - 'tall', 'dark', 'handsome', 'hung' 'donkey'. But he was too stoic and too warrior-like to let these things bother him. 

He entered Jonas's quarters and found the man comparing the sizes of two T-shirts. 

"Oh, hey, Teal'c. Tell me, which one is smaller?" 

Teal'c, taking his sweet stoic time about it, studied the T-shirts stoically. "JonasQuinn..." 

"Why do you say our names so quickly?" 

"To show that I'm an alien, JonasQuinn. Otherwise I would be mistaken for a human." 

"Teal'c, you have a huge gold emblem on your forehead - you know, the thing that reminds you time and time again of how far you've come. I think people know you're an alien." 

"Indeed." He raised his eyebrows. Stoically. "But I find it is important to keep up a few traditions. O'Neill does not like change." 

Jonas sighed and went back to his T-shirts. "So which do you think?" 

"The one on the left." 

"Good. Me too. Was there anything in particular you wanted?" 

"I was looking for O'Neill but thought I might get our requisite alien-bonding scene out of the way in the meantime." 

"Oh. Of course." Jonas suddenly wondered where he'd hidden that candy bar. He was hungry again. That banana hadn't done much for him. "Last thing I heard, he and Major Carter were off to make hot monkey love on the briefing room table." 

"Indeed?" Teal'c raised an eyebrow. It would have been stoic but he was smiling ever so slightly. So slightly that it wasn't really a smile. Just a kinda quirk of the lips. "The briefing room table?" 

"Yeah. I figured the Prez suggested it." 

He inclined his head. "That is most likely, JonasQuinn. I shall go and try to interrupt them at an imprudent and frustrating moment." 

Finding his candy bar, Jonas bit into it with relish. "Great idea, Teal'c." 

Jonas followed his stoic alien friend down the hall wondering if the term "alien" was politically correct. Hmm. What about "friend?" He smacked his lips on his candy bar. Earth food was great! 

Jonas puffed out his chest and winked at one of the nurses as she passed him. She giggled, blew him a kiss and joined the growing nurse herd behind the two men. Thank God (and a massive naquadria meltdown) he was on SG-1! Advisor to the High Minister? It was *nothing* compared to the action he was getting on SG-1! 

Jonas stopped. Why was he going off to watch two of his teammates making hot monkey love? Screw that! "Teal'c?" said Jonas, missing his obvious mental pun. 

Teal'c stopped and turned around stoically. "Yes, JonasQuinn?" 

"I'll catch up with you later." Jonas turned and looked at the scantily clad flock of nurses, "Yes, that's a '1' on my patch and yes, I'm happy to see you!" 

Teal'c stoically raised his eyebrow in the most stoic way he had ever done in his entire life before continuing down the hallway, very pleased that he had been given so many lines. 

* 

Over at O'Malleys, Sam and Janet were working on their 5th shot of tequila (and discussing their only common bond, Cassie) when suddenly the bright light of an Asgard transport ray filled the place. 

"'Bout time!" Sam muttered. 

"Sammy! Baby! I'm back!" 

Both Sam and Janet stared at him drunkenly. Janet giggled and leaned over to her drinking buddy, "Sam, I must be hammered. That looks like a 14-year-old Jack O'Neill. Sucks to be you!" 

"Son of a bitch! I am *never* getting any!" Sam yelled. 

Suddenly, 14-year-old Jack was beamed away and real Jack returned in his place. 

Thor beamed down with him. "I am sorry for the amazingly silly plot...I mean...thing I did. Can you blame me?! I haven't gotten any for over a thousand years!" Thor yelled, as much as an Asgard can yell, and beamed away. 

"Darling," Jack grabbed Sam. "I don't want to wait any longer. I don't care what time it is. I don't care that you're hammered. Let's get married!" 

"Okay!" 

They sprinted to the church with Janet in tow. 

"Wonder if Danny will be my Best Man?" Jack mused. After all, everyone knew that he and Daniel were best friends, and not even different plains of existence could change that. 

* 

Meanwhile back at the base, Jonas wandered down the hallway, minding his own business and singing while step dancing. 

o/' "Tell 'em to shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!" o/' 

Unfortunately, at that same moment, Daniel was glowing down the hallway from the opposite direction. They rounded the corner at the same time, collided and, in a freak of nature, stuck. 

"Hey! Get out! This is *my* body!" 

"I can't! Don't you think I would if I could?" 

"Great! A geek hanging around is *so* going to cramp my style!" 

Daniel pushed up the glasses in his mind trying to put the most positive spin he could on the situation. "Jonas, half the women on this base are rabid me fans. Imagine what we could do if we teamed up." 

"Go on. I'm listening." 

* 

Back in the church, through the persuasive powers of a still-drunk Janet Fraiser who had not lost her Napoleonic Power Mongering touch (plus, she still had that needle), they had managed to get half the base to the church, find Sam a wedding dress, Jack a tux and get lots and lots of tiny little bridesmaids to wear pink. 

Cassie, who was now probably between the ages of fifteen and twenty, was not impressed. Taking one look at Sam's huge voluminous cream skirts, she dived in. 

Never to be seen again. 

Jack, of course, couldn't be found. Sam kept peeking out of her dressing room to see if she could spot him but then realized he'd been disappearing a lot during the middle of the day recently. He'd go off for hours, in fact, with only brief glimpses or telephone calls to tell her that he was still alive. 

She shrugged. No matter. She was sure he'd turn up for the sex... the vows! The vows, that's what she meant. 

"Janet? Have you found Cassie yet?" 

Janet, who was poking Sam's skirts with a a pokey thing, shook her head. "Nope. I'm afraid we've lost her, Sam." 

Just then Janet's pokey thing hit something. "Oh wait, here she is." 

Sam and Janet wrestled the girl/woman out of the dress and laid her on the floor, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. 

"Cassie? Honey? Speak to me!" Janet patted her face, somewhat confused. Should she sedate a person who was already sedate? 

"Mom?" 

"Yeah, I'm right here baby." 

"I couldn't finish the harvest." 

On the other side of the church, Jack finally ran into his dressing room, every so often taking a glance over his shoulder. 

"Good. I don't think I was followed. This time," Jack muttered. 

Jack turned to his Best Man suddenly feeling annoyed. His best friend could have mentioned the fact that he was now sharing a body with Jonas. That meant Jonas' body would be standing up with him during the ceremony, and Jack hated being upstaged. But what was worse was that Daniel and Jonas seemed to be happy as clams about the whole thing. And were even starting to make people call them DJ. Jack was beginning to get worried about his best friend status with Daniel. 

"Hey! Get out of here!" Jack chased away a nurse trying to sneak into their dressing room. 

He glanced at DJ, who was staring mournfully after the nurse. "Uh, Jack? Just how long is this all supposed to take?" 

Suddenly, Jack heard the church doors bang open. 

"COLONEL JACK O'NEILL!!" 

Shit. 

Dad. 

* 

Sam lifted her head from studying her cleavage. She could have sworn she'd heard...."Did you hear zat fire?" she asked Janet. 

Janet, who was checking her daughter's lungs with her handy pocket-sized stethoscope, shrugged her shoulders. "Nope." 

Sam pursed her lips and checked on Cassie. She was glad Cassie was okay. Without her, she and Janet wouldn't have anything in common and Sam didn't have any other female friends. 

Cassie sat up, yawning groggily, and looked at her mother suspiciously. "Did you *sedate* me?" 

Janet, her eyes twitching nervously from Sam to Cassie, struck an innocent expression. "Me? No! Why would I do that?" She cleared her throat. "You know. I oughta go check on the nurses. You know how rabid they get." 

Sam sighed. "Yeah. Oh, and tell me how DJ is, will you?" 

"Gorgeous... I mean, sure!" Janet beamed and pulled a protesting Cassie out of the room. 

Sam frowned as she heard another suspiciously familiar noise. She could have *sworn* that was zat fire - but who on Earth would have a zat gun in the church? Teal'c had come unarmed and she knew Jack didn't really like using them in public - they had a depressing way of going flaccid when he least wanted them to. 

She sighed. She'd *really* wanted to have sex at some point before they got married. 

Suddenly, the door burst open and Jack dived through, skidding under her skirts and completely disappearing from site. 

"Sammie? Have you seen Colonel O'Neill?" 

Sam blinked at her father, who had his zat gun raised and a hand device all-a-glow on his free hand. Judging from the way his eyes were glowing and then not, she guessed Selmak was trying to take control and was failing miserably. 

Ah, good old Carter temper. 

"Uh..." 

Now was the time to put into use her astrophysics brains! 

She pointed to the closed window. "He went that a-way, Dad!" 

Her father nodded fiercely and threw himself through the window. 

"Thanks, hon," Jack said, his voice muffled in her skirts. 

She patted her skirts, hoping she was making some kind of contact with him. "That's okay. We should probably get married before he gets back." 

"Yeah. Uh, Sam?" 

"Yes, sir?" 

She felt him shiver. "Do you know... if there's a way out of here?" 

"I don't know, babe," she answered, wishing that he wasn't quite so eager to be finding a way out. "But maybe Janet will be back soon with her pokey thing." 

Jack wandered around for a good half hour. He still hadn't found the way out, but he had found an ankle, another layer of lace and, surprisingly enough, a cat. It meowed at him mournfully. "I hear you buddy," he muttered. Jack did finally make his way to a knee, which had been promising. *Very* promising. But somehow he made a wrong turn and found himself back at the ankle. And the cat. 

Suddenly Teal'c burst through the door carrying a pickaxe and an oxygen mask. Sam blinked at him. 

For no reason, Hammond wandered in behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Son, if you fail to dig your way to the surface, this will be a one-way trip." 

"I understand GeneralHammond," Teal'c said stoically, pleased that he had been given yet another line, and dived into the dress. 

* 

Janet rounded the corner in search of her nurses and froze at the scene before her. "Oh, holy hell!" 

DJ, his hand against the wall, had cornered one of the scantily clad (surprising since it was such a formal occasion) nurses who was giggling at him. 

"Really, you're safe with me. I don't even like to kiss on the first date." 

DJ's Daniel half snorted. 

'Shut up,' the Jonas half mentally yelled. 'You're going to wreck it!' DJ continued. "Really. I'm a pussycat. If you'd like, I could get Sam to ask you out for me. But whatdaya say we bypass all that crap?" 

That was pretty much all Janet could take, her finger instantly flying to her needle. In the way that had earned her the title of Napoleonic Power Monger, she glared at the nurse who scampered away. 

"Don't you know you're mine?" Janet purred softly as she felt the deep satisfaction of her needle plunging into DJ's arm. 

"Nobody ties down DJ! I'm the wind, baby!!" DJ yelled before passing out. 

Having installed a now drooling DJ into a closet, Janet ran on precariously high heels straight to where Sam was preparing to walk down the aisle. 

"Where have you been?" Sam hissed, just as a cat shot out from under her skirts. 

"Never mind. Shall we go in?" 

"Yeah. Janet, have you got your needle on you?" 

"Uh... I just used the last on DJ. Why?" 

Biting her full bottom lip, Sam looked around her. "Just.. my dad's acting a little odd. Keeps running around with a zat. I think he wants to kill Colonel O'Neill." 

"Damn. That's just too bad." 

The music started up and Janet hurried off. 

The trip down the aisle was kinda boring because the aisle was really long. And people kept waving at her. People she didn't recognize but who had the SGC patches on their shoulders. The patches kinda looked like the things Sam and the rest of SG-1 wore on their shoulders, but instead of the all-important '1' there were other numbers. 8? 10? 16? Who were these people? 

Oh, damn, there was McKay. And Simmons. Was that...? She turned her head to study the faces in the enormous crowd that had gathered on such short notice to see her marriage to Colonel O'Neill. That guy - she couldn't find his face now - kinda looked like Narim. Weird. Hold on, she would recognize those blue eyes... No, Martouf was dead. 

Wasn't he? 

Finally, she reached the end of the aisle. Glancing back, she saw a couple of tabby cats lying prone on the mosaic tiling and she wondered, vaguely, where they had come from. 

Oh, and Jack looked nice. Worried, but nice. 

The clergyman began the ceremony. 

Using the deep telepathic bond she and her Colonel had developed over the years as CO and 2IC, Sam began a conversation with him, 

*"What's up?"* she asked. 

*"You seen DJ?"* 

Worriedly, Sam turned to look at Janet. *"What did you do with DJ?* 

Janet, who was not adept at deep telepathic bond communicating, misheard. *"Have we got the Bee-Gees?"* she replied, silently. 

Sam rolled her eyes and turned back to her husband to be, shaking her head. 

Jack rolled his eyes. *"For cryin' out loud!"* 

She patted his ass affectionately. Smiling mischievously, a twinkle in her *enormous* sky-blue-aqua-deep-sea-pool-lake-water eyes, she murmured via their deep and meaningful telepathic link, *"Now shut up and pay attention."* 

Then they both realized that the clergyman was looking at them expectantly. 

"Oh - this it the vows, part, right?" Jack hurriedly pulled out a piece of crumpled paper from his pocket. It looked suspiciously like a paper napkin. 

"I, Jack O'Neill, promise not to do any more aliens, unless of course I'm drugged, drunk or eat cake. But if I'm stuck on a planet for more than three months, all bets are off. My yo-yo is now your yo-yo, but I can't be held responsible if someone just goes ahead and grabs it." 

A single tear ran down Sam's face. Holy shit that was beautiful! He always knew just the right thing to say. "Right back at ya, babe," she whispered. And almost as an afterthought she added, "Sir." 

Sir. That word made Jack's whole body tingle. He really hated it when she called him Jack. 

"I, Samantha Allannah Marie Katherine Petra Carter, do take you, Jack O'Neill, so long as he can accept that my plants, Bob, Ray and Magda, require at least fifteen minutes of my conversation per day, that I regularly receive long streams of overly attractive alien admirers throughout my work. But I promise that there'll be no more inappropriate kissing in the conveniently empty control room and I'll let some aliens dress me up in more skimpy blue dresses once in a while." 

Jack wiped a tear away from his eye. "I love you, Sam," he whispered passionately. 

"I love you too, Jack." 

"I love you more." 

"No, *I* do." 

"No, really, *I* do." 

"No, me." 

"Me." 

"Really, me." 

The clergyman cleared his throat. "Do you have the rings?" 

Sam looked beyond Jack. Oh yeah. No DJ. Shit. 

Janet put up her hand tentatively to draw attention to herself since she was really so small. Tiny, really. "I'll just...go and get him. Back in a moment. Teal'c, ah, tell the guests your Jaffa joke." 

Teal'c, very pleased in an extremely stoic kind of way, stepped forward and cleared his throat. "A serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard..." 

"Heard it!" the entire crowd yelled in unison. 

Teal'c rose an eyebrow. "Then perhaps another. What number of Setesh guards would be required to lay siege to a heavily fortified stronghold in the Anquadrian system? 

Teal'c waited the appropriate amount of time given the type of joke, the time of day, and the current planet he was on. 

"None." Teal'c grinned a large Jaffa grin. 

Silence descended on the room, broken only by the sound of a lone, coughing cat. 

Bored out of his mind, Jack felt his attention start to wander. * o/' "...and tell me that you love me." o/' * 

Sam instantly picked up on his telepathic crooning. *"I thought I told you to *never* sing that to me again!"* She glared at him in her own special way. A way that was glaring but yet conveyed to him the deep depths of her love and desire for him. 

*"Can I sing another Python song?"* 

*"No."* 

*"Simpsons?"* 

*"NO!"* 

Sam glanced at the crowd that had come for the wedding, but realized she no longer cared about them in any small way. They were doing just fine with Teal'c. Plus they should be happy for the mere fact that they were in the presence of so many members of SG-1. Instead she turned her attention back on having a silent chat with her CO...husband!! That's what she meant! Husband! Almost. 

*"So where are we going on our honeymoon?"* 

*"Dunno. How about my cabin?"* 

*"Boring! Oh...crap! Fishing!"* 

*"What about it?"* 

*"Well, we need to get one thing straight. I'll fish with you, but I'm *not* going to fish with you."* 

*"I don't understand."* 

*"I mean, I'll fish,"* she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and grinned, *"but I won't fish,"* she frowned deeply and shook her head. 

*"Still not following."* 

Just about the time Sam was getting ready to go find a donut, and maybe a banana, Janet kicked open the church doors, having slung DJ over her shoulder. His eyes darted around frantically as he tried to wriggle free of his plastic cuffs, unable to cry for help because of the duct tape over his mouth. 

*"Holy cow, she's strong!"* Jack mentally projected. *"And scary!"* 

*"No shit. Why do you think I keep going out with her? To talk about Cassie?"* 

"Everyone," Janet bellowed as she set DJ down at the front and tossed Jack the ring box. "I'm happy to announce that DJ just asked me to marry him and you're all invited to the wedding next week." 

Everyone looked at DJ. 

"Mwah? Mwa-uh! Mwah mwa mwuck?!!" 

"Hey, that's great, DJ!" Jack reached out to shake his hand until he realized DJ's arms were still tied behind his back for some unknown reason. Instead he grabbed his shoulder in a very manly fashion. "Now we can double date. Constantly." 

DJ stared back at him, scared shitless. For the first time Daniel tried in earnest to break free of his DJ bond. 

"Right," said the clergyman. "Can we continue?" 

Sam turned back to the one true love of her life, eager to *finally* get the ceremony over...enjoy this special time in her life, when she started to hear the melody of a Simon & Garfunkle song wafting in her head. Softly at first, then growing as it hit the refrain. 

*"I thought I told you to stop singing!"* 

*"It isn't me."* 

Suddenly a sound from the back of the church completely drowned out the plaintive 60's folk tune. 

"SAMANTHA!!" 

Gasping in horror, Sam turned back to the clergyman. That voice had sounded suspiciously... no. No, it couldn't be. 

"SAMMIE!" 

Okay, so it wasn't a dead guy. It was her dad. 

Which was worse. 

*"Can we hurry it along please?"* 

The clergyman frowned at her in confusion. *"How long is a furlong, keys?"* 

"Sorry. I mean, can we hurry it along?" She noticed that Jack had started fidgeting. From out of nowhere he'd pulled an elastic band and was twiddling it between his fingers nervously. 

"Of course. The rings, please?" 

"No. I mean, *really* fast. As in... finish up right now," Sam said, flicking her eyes behind to the doors, just waiting for her father to burst through. 

"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may...." The clergyman trailed off as Jack grabbed Sam and planted a decidedly unromantic kiss on her mouth. 

"Later, babe," he said gruffly, before running away as fast as his legs could carry him. 

Sam sighed but was soon distracted by movement in her skirts. She looked down and watched a somewhat starved looking cat crawl out and then fall, panting with exertion, on the ground. 

Weird, she thought. 

But before Jack could get out of the room, Jacob burst through the door and raised his zat. He aimed and fired three shots in rapid succession. Unfortunately for Martouf, the man (not dead after all) had just wandered out from his seat, very confused as to what the whole "wedding" ceremony was supposed to represent. He had assumed it was some type of Earth military thing. In any case, he was very excited about reuniting with Samantha at long last. 

The zat fire predictably hit Martouf, dissolving him into a puff of energy-type smoke. 

Sam shrugged. More booze for everyone else. "Okay, on to the reception!" Sam lifted up her skirt, stepped over the wheezing cat and marched towards the door. Where the hell had the Colonel...Jack!!! Damn it!!! Jack!!!...gotten to? 

Sam practically sprinted to the reception hall, but as she passed a door, a hand roughly grabbed her and pulled her in. 

"Hey babe!" Jack kissed her in a way that made up for the one at the alter. 

"What are we doing in here?" Sam asked, removing a broom handle from her back. 

"We're, um, laying low. Um, yeah." 

"Whatever you say, Sir." 

Sir. Jack shivered. Any remaining restraint he had at the moment dissolved with that word. 

* 

Janet poked at DJ with her pokey thing that she hadn't thought to get rid of. "Keep moving." 

"Thanks for taking off the tape, Janet. But, couldn't you unbind my hands too? I won't go anywhere. Really," DJ said as he winked at a passing nurse. 

"Yeah, right!" Janet snorted. She stopped. "DJ? Do you hear...singing? It kind of sounds like..." Janet cocked her head, "...sounds like 'oh sweet mystery of life at last I've found you.'" 

DJ got a dreamy look in his eyes. "Yeah, sounds great!" 

Janet shook her head and started poking at DJ again. "Move!" 

After quite some time, Jack and Sam wandered into the reception hall, Sam's hair finally just as mussed as her husband's. They stared wide-eyed at the scene before them. 

What. The. Hell. 

Apparently pink was Janet's favorite color. And it wasn't so much the thousands of heart-shaped balloons, or the hundreds of silver foil bells, or the '80s cover band, or even the live swans wandering around, it was the enormous ice sculpture of a huge heart with "SG-1" carved into the middle. 

"So, booze?" Jack asked as he brushed off some broom bristles from his bride's back. 

"I don't know." For some strange reason Sam was beginning to think that having a drink might not be a good idea. 

The reception progressed drunkenly. Sam, caught up in being congratulated, felt up and embraced by complete strangers, kind of lost contact with Jack. Every so often, she'd see what she thought was a Jack-shaped blur race past her, a flash of blue light streaking after him, swiftly followed by her father, but she was feeling too relaxed and pleased with herself to be bothered anymore. 

She and Janet watched with appalled fascination as DJ, his hands still tied, still managed to hit on several of the female guests, and even one male (apparently Jonas was 'curious'). 

"I thought you were getting married," Sam whispered. 

"Oh we are." Janet folded her arms across her chest and smiled evilly. It was a very similar smile to her normal one. "I'm planning my punishment as we speak." 

Sam blinked. "Oh boy," she said, deciding it would be best to go and find her husband. She was feeling a little queasy; she didn't know why. 

Then suddenly, without warning, notice, neon signs or any other signally equipment, the world went black. 

The next thing she knew, she was lying on the floor staring up at a crowd of faces. "Jack?" she murmured. 

"I'm here, babe," he said, crouching down beside of her. 

"Dad?" she whispered, weakly. 

Her father crouched down on the other side of her. 

She took both their hands. "You're the two most important men in my life," she said emotionally, her eyes tearing up. "Please, for my sake, could you, Dad, try not to kill my husband and, Jack, Dad really, really wants to go fishing." 

"Fishing?" Jack queried, still a little confused about their earlier 'fishing' conversation. 

"No! Not *fishing*! I mean... fishing... with the fish." 

"Or not," Teal'c said - his voice was warm with the thrill that he had got a really good punch line in. 

"Okay, Sammie," Dad said, his brown eyes glistening with unshed tears. 

He and Jack helped Sam up and then they regarded one another. 

"If you ever hurt my little girl, Jack, I swear to God there aren't enough Lairas in the world to make you suffer." 

Jack swallowed. "I'll do my best, Jacob. And...sir...I would be honored if you'd come fishing with me. One day. After our honeymoon." 

*"Where there will be no fishing!"* Jack added triumphantly, for Sam's benefit. 

Sam smiled benevolently. It seemed Jack had finally got the difference. Thank God. 

"Son," Jacob said. 

"Dad!" 

They embraced. 

Around then, all the guests at the reception broke out into a round of spontaneous applause and everyone began hugging one another. 

DJ... well, he tried to hug himself. But his hands were still tied. 

Janet looked around at all the hugging people, somewhat hurt that no one wanted to hug her. Not even DJ. Not that he could have hugged. But he was bumping into people, mainly women...and that one guy. 

No matter. She was used to clinical detachment...except when it came to SG-1, of course. She smiled knowing that soon she would marry into SG-1, and that was just about as good as being SG-1. Janet focused her attention on her soon-to-be teammate-in-law...uh...Sam. She had a suspicion. An "I'm SG-1's doctor and therefore all-knowing" kind of suspicion. Her eyes narrowed. 

Jack let go of Jacob, not exactly sure how he felt about hugging another man for that long. He quickly reached for Sam's hand. But was intercepted by Janet. 

"Don't you think you've done enough already?" Janet glared at him. 

Jack, who still felt the need to grab a woman's hand, *any* woman's hand, made the mistake of grabbing Janet's. 

The first thing Jack saw when he woke up was DJ out on the dance floor "shaking his groove thang." Jack shuddered as DJ moved in ways he really, *really* didn't want to even think about. Jack shifted his head. Sam was gone, but Jacob was near. Well, suppose he should go bond, he thought as he stood up. 

Funny how no one had bothered to move him from off the floor. 

As Jack walked over to Jacob, he pondered DJ. Was he really one person now? Or still two? Were Daniel and Jonas best friends? Where did that leave him? Would they get double pay? Where would they all go on their first double date? Who would pick up the tab? 

Jacob looked over at Jack, fingered his zat slightly and sighed. "So, Jack, have you done a lot of fishing since joining SG-1?" 

Jack stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights. "Who said that?! I swear it was only ever in self-defense!" he yelled before remembering the difference. He frowned. Sam wouldn't be pleased with his relapse. 

Meanwhile, Janet was doing a bit of frowning herself. Sam had willingly given her a sample - after so many years together, Sam thought nothing of it when Janet had pulled her into the bathroom and told her to pee into a cup. But the test result was somewhat confusing, in a predictable kind of way. Just to be sure, Janet was going to re-run the test a few times. 

* 

Sam was trying her best to ignore it. She really was. It was her wedding day, the best day of her life. Her shoes were only pinching slightly and she had a feeling she'd pulled her underwear on the wrong way after her, er, encounter with Jack in the closet, but that was the least of her worries. 

She tried to ignore it. 

Really... really.... 

Oh, screw it. 

It was her party and she was gonna get someone to make her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with anchovies and that was the end of it. 

She grabbed DJ as he walked past. He was still glowing slightly, she noticed, and his eyes were a weird mixture of blue and brown and, if you looked at him sideways he looked just like Daniel, whereas from the front he was definitely Jonas. 

"Sam! You look beautiful," DJ said before she could demand her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He leaned forward closely and planted a kiss on her cheek. 

Someone cleared their throat behind her and she turned to see Jack, one eyebrow raised in question. 

DJ grinned charmingly and a whole flock of even more scantily clad nurses fainted. 

Jack didn't seem to be impressed. She patted his arm consolingly. Then went in search of her sandwich. 

After a few threats, Sam finally convinced the kitchen staff to make her a PB&J&A sandwich. The chef barely had a chance to yank his hand away before she bit down. 

"Sam! I've got the best news ever!" Janet yelled, pushing DJ into the kitchen in front of her. 

Sam put down her PB&J&A sandwich. "What?" 

"You're pregnant! With triplets!" 

Sam got down on her knees and gave her best friend a hug. "I should have known," Sam said with a glow. One that was almost, but not quite as bright as DJ's. 

Janet briefly scratched her head at the timing of the whole thing. "This has got to be some kind of record." 

"Yeah, well, Colonel O'Neill's an exceptional guy. *Very* exceptional," Sam explained. 

Janet accepted her answer, nodding her head. "Oh, Sam! Now we can go shopping for baby stuff." 

"Actually, Jan," Sam blushed, "I already have most of the baby stuff I need." 

"Huh?" 

"Well, given the fact that the Colonel is *extremely* exceptional, and the fact that it was only a matter of time before we did it, even just once, I thought it best to stock up in advance. I like to be organized." 

"Good idea." Janet turned around and glared at the banging sound, which happened to be DJ hitting his head repeatedly against the counter. "Do you mind? We're having a girl moment here!" 

"Do I really have to be here for this? I'm not a girl! This is all boring chick crap!" 

"Fine. You know, DJ. You've been *pretty* good for the last fifteen minutes." Janet reached over and cut off his plastic cuffs. 

"Hey, thanks Ja..." 

And snapped on a collar equipped with a leash. 

DJ raised his eyebrows, looking at the leash with interest, then grinned. "You know, Jan, maybe I haven't been giving 'us' enough of a chance," he said as he winked at her. 

Sam smiled as she watched her best "couple" friends head for the exit, wondering where they should all go on their first double date. Wait...if Janet knew she was having triplets, surely she must know what sex the babies were. 

"Hey Janet, what am I having?" 

"One of each," Janet yelled before she disappeared, yanking DJ's leash. 

Sam took a moment for herself, sniffling mightily. Everything was *so* perfect. The whole thing couldn't have been any better even if she had written it...planned! Planned it herself. And she knew, absolutely positively knew, her labor would be short and painless, although perhaps dramatic, and her body would go back to exactly the way it was before, after giving birth. "Thank you," she whispered to no one in particular. 

She walked out of the kitchen, drawing her sleeve across her nose. With a small PB&J&A burp she walked towards her CO. 

Jack looked up from throwing back shots with Dad. Hey, Carter was back. Cool. Although she looked kind of snotty. Gross. And she was standing somewhat oddly in front of him. Standing in a vaguely familiar way. He knew it meant something...but what? Hmm...a woman that he had just, um, done the nasty with, standing in front of him, with her hands on her stomach. He *knew* he had seen that somewhere before, but for the life of him he couldn't place it. Damn it! That was really going to bug the crap out of him. He racked his brain but kept coming up blank. 

*"What's up? You got gas?"* 

-End- 


	2. The Hamster Strikes Back

Title: It was a dark and stormy II: The hamster strikes back 

Authors: Michelle and Jojo 

Rating: PG 

Disclaimer: Not ours. No profit. 

Spoilers: Yes. Lots. General. S6 and possible (though unlikely) future. 

A/N: Clichés are a part of life - we both are guilty of writing many, many clichés. We did not have any particular author or story in mind when writing this, and no doubt we'll probably use these very clichés ourselves in the future. 

* 

* 

* 

* 

Jack walked down the hallway whistling a happy tune. Thanks to the providential letter from the Prez, he and Carter were currently reveling in wedded bliss, she had given birth to triplets in a very dramatic, but essentially painless fashion (well, he wasn't *completely* sure about the painless part - that was more her deal) and they both got to stay on SG-1. Frankly, life *without* SG-1 was not a life. Well, not an interesting one at least.  
  
Everything was perfect.  
  
Too perfect...  
  
Jack rounded the corner right into a scene involving SG-1's 4th/5th member, DJ and a nurse. Should they actually be doing that in the hallway?! Jack turned his head to the side. Interesting! Jack watched, mentally taking notes, until he realized that standing there gaping wouldn't look all that great on the security tapes. He *really* didn't want to make it into the SF's annual "outtakes" reel again.  
  
He quickly turned, and in a huge miscalculation involving depth-perception, he hit the wall. And blacked out.  
  
*  
  
Sam, who'd just finished watching the triplets bathe, dress and put themselves to bed, was in the kitchen whipping up a delicious meal for her husband when the doorbell rang.  
  
Shoving the soufflé into the oven, she ran to get it and was surprised to see Janet was there. "Jan! Hi!"  
  
"Hi, Sam. How are the triplets?"  
  
"Perfect in every conceivable way," Sam said, smiling, her eyes twinkling like twinkle twinkle little stars.  
  
"That's great!" Her smile abruptly turned serious. "Unfortunately, Jack had a little accident at work today."  
  
"What? Is he all right?" she asked, not terribly concerned. Jack was always going to be all right.  
  
"Well, he has... he has amnesia Sam. But it's a strange kind of amnesia. Selective. He... selectively... can't remember your marriage. Or the triplets."  
  
Melodramatically, Sam felt her whole world fall away. "Oh, Jan," she said, her bluer than blue eyes filling with delicate and ladylike tears. "How dreadful. What miracle are you going to perform to make everything right again?"  
  
"I thought I'd just move him back in with you and the triplets and see what happened actually. One of the SG teams - God, I can't remember which one, there are so many of the unimportant little buggers - has come back and they're all lounging about my infirmary in an extremely messy way." Janet sighed as if the whole world rested on her shoulders. "NID is insisting that I do some kind of fair.. work... equal... something so I'm under observation. I really can't spend too much time  
solving the problems of SG-1, no matter how much I want to. Colonel!"  
  
Jack appeared from out of nowhere. He looked at Sam, a frown marring his boyish handsome, rugged and soulful face. "Carter? Why are you wearing my shirt?"  
  
Sam looked at the one true love of her life, shocked at what he had said. Well, maybe not at what he said... because actually he said that to her quite a lot. What  
could she say? She really liked his shirts. Especially that yellow one. And she was positive that he was only *feigning* annoyance whenever he would say it. But  
she was shocked at something, damn it!  
  
"Well, I'll leave you two to work things out."  
  
"Wait Jan," Sam, freaked out at the thought of actually having to explain something to Jack O'Neill, stopped her friend. "Why didn't you just tell him about us?"  
  
"And be obvious?" Janet snorted. "Oh, by the way, we're still on for our double date on Friday night, aren't we?"  
  
Sam beamed. "Wouldn't miss it for the world!" After all, Jack was sure to be back to normal by then.  
  
Jack watched Janet walk to her car, his mind conveniently blocking out the conversation that had just happened in front of him. "Thanks, Fraiser!" he called out after her, although he didn't know why he was thanking her. He always thought it best to be on her good side.  
  
She stopped. "Actually, it's Jackson-Quinn now!"  
  
Jack shuddered. How could he have forgotten? Images from that bachelor party had forever scorched his mind. Not even in his Academy days had there been so much... Jack shuddered again. He turned to his 2IC.  
  
They stared soulfully at each other in an awkward kind of way, although Jack was more soulfully confused. He knew why he was staring at her soulfully, and why she was staring soulfully back at him, but he just didn't know why she was staring soulfully from inside his house.  
  
Just then a timer dinged in the kitchen and Sam scampered after it. After all, a husband with amnesia was one thing, but a fallen soufflé was tragic.  
  
Sam pulled it out of the oven just at the right time. Another perfect one! She set it down next to the Brie en Croute, Coq au Vin and Artichoke Hearts au Gratin, and quickly pulled out the bottle of chilling wine, so as not to over-chill it. Also, it needed to breathe. She set a mental timer, reminding herself of when the Baked Alaska needed to be put in the oven.  
  
Sam stopped to listen to her baby monitor and sighed. Nothing but the sound of angelic breathing could be heard. They had slept through the night from day one so she didn't know why she actually had the monitor. Sam never realized that motherhood was so relaxing! And she couldn't believe the amount of maternity leave she was getting - it was basically all free time!  
  
Hmmm...oh yeah - she had left her husband standing in the doorway. Sam frowned, fearing that perhaps his selective amnesia would somehow cut into the amount of non-stop sex they were having.  
  
*  
  
Back at base, DJ stood in front of the board with a pen in hand and an audience of approximately fifty SGC members behind him. "Right, okay now, pay attention.  
If I bet Ferreti $20 that Sam and the Colonel would get together before Christmas... and he bet Teal'c $50 that Sam and the Colonel would get together without either resigning or transferring... and then Daniel, I mean, I, bet Lieutenant Rush that Teal'c would bet with Janet that... Wait, I've lost it again. Let's start over."  
  
Behind him, the audience was getting restless. They had, after all, been waiting to collect their bet money ever since Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter had gotten married. The problem was that it was proving to be the biggest mathematical equation since... since... since Major Carter had tried to break down wormhole physics into easy bite size chunks for W.  
  
Since they couldn't actually get Major Carter to sort out who owed whom, Feretti - a handy plot device - had decided the next best thing would be DJ. Feretti figured the combined IQ of Daniel Jackson and Jonas Quinn would mean the equation would be quickly solved.  
  
That was not the case, however.  
  
It was tragically ironic, Feretti thought, as he sat in the front row tapping his fingers on his leg, that the only person who could solve this was Major Carter. Obviously, they couldn't ask her. For one, she would probably kill them all for betting huge sums of money on them (seriously - Senator Kinsey had placed a small  
fortune on them getting together whilst they were still on SG-1). For another, she was on maternity leave. And God only knew how long she would be on maternity leave for. As far as Feretti could see, Carter could pretty much do what she wanted when she wanted and for however long she wanted.  
  
Yeah. Sure. There were no perks to being on SG-1.  
  
Suddenly, the door burst open. Dr Fraiser-Jackson-Quinn stood there, panting. "You'll never guess what happened!"  
  
Feretti raised his hand. "Has Colonel O'Neill got amnesia?"  
  
"Is it selective?" someone else called out.  
  
"Has he no idea that he is married to Major Carter?" one of the nurses chirped, earning her a wink from DJ.  
  
Simmons piped up, "Or that he has triplets?"  
  
Janet was looking pissed. "You heard already?"  
  
No one answered. There was, in fact, silence in the room, broken only by the sound of DJ's brain ticking. Loudly.  
  
Then, suddenly, McKay - who was just hanging around for no reason other than to flirt shamelessly with Major Carter (when she made it in, and provide a reason for Colonel O'Neill to get jealous) - stood up. "$50 says that O'Neill and Major Carter have sex before his memory has returned."  
  
"I'll take that bet!"  
  
Janet sighed as the new bets began to be shouted out and glanced at the board where her husband was trying to figure out the previous bets. No one took their work seriously any more.  
  
*  
  
Sam had quickly ushered Jack to the kitchen table where she demanded they start eating. That soufflé was *not* going to fall on her watch! She filled him in on the basics, while making sure everything was served at exactly the right temperature. He seemed to take it in stride, probably because he had experienced amnesia so many times before, and surprisingly enough, remembered that fact.  
  
Somewhere between the fourth and fifth course, Sam started fidgeting. She shifted in her seat while tapping her foot and drumming her fingers on the table. This was the longest they had ever gone without sex since they had gotten married, and it was beginning to make her a bit peckish.  
  
"So, how long have we been having sex?"  
  
"Huh?" Sam's eyes shot up, somewhat surprised at his blatancy.  
  
"I said, how long have we been married?"  
  
"Oh." Sam attempted to focus. "I don't remember. A while."  
  
"I'm pretty good in the sack, aren't I?"  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said, we decided to live in my house."  
  
Wow. That hadn't even been close. "Yeah, I was just renting."  
  
"Do you want to play with my yo-yo?"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Uh...do you want to play with my yo-yo?" Jack asked again as he handed her his small plastic toy.  
  
Sam stared mournfully at the wrong yo-yo, twiddling it unsatisfyingly between her fingers before plunking it on the table. "So...wanna have sex?"  
  
"YES! Wait. I mean...well, I don't know what I mean. Carter, what ever happened to regulations?"  
  
"Letter from the Prez."  
  
"Damn. Just lost fifty bucks." Fortunately for Jack, Sam was currently distracted. "Carter, doesn't it bother you that I can't remember us?"  
  
Sam considered the moral implications of sleeping with a man who had selective amnesia for .000000458th of a second before shrugging it off. "I'm okay with it if you are," she said as she roughly grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the table.  
  
Jack, somewhat nervous about the prospect of *finally* sleeping with his 2IC, felt the need to speak in a lame and unnecessary attempt at seduction.  
  
"You know, *Samantha*, you really looked good in that blue dress you got from the Shavadai."  
  
Sam dragged him through the doorway. "Uh huh. Really showed off my boobs."  
  
He tried again. "So...how about those Tok'ra? They can have kids without a man friend...it's why they take hosts."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Asexual reproduction's a bitch," Sam muttered as she pulled him up the stairs.  
  
"So...maybe you wanna go fishing?"  
  
Sam pushed him onto the bed. "What do you think we're doing?!"  
  
*  
  
Janet looked up from sewing an SG-1 patch onto her lab coat and wrinkled her nose slightly.  
  
Strange.  
  
She could have sworn that...  
  
Janet frowned.  
  
But it had only been a little over an hour since she had dropped him off!  
  
No, inasmuch as she was SG-1's doctor and therefore all-knowing, she was certain. No doubt about it.  
  
Jack and Sam were having sex.  
  
Janet sprinted down the hallways as fast as her little legs could take her. She ran breathless into DJ's lab where she found him, surprisingly enough, studying an artifact and nurseless.  
  
"Honey, how much money do we have in the savings account?"  
  
*  
  
Thera woke up.  
  
Something was wrong.  
  
Something was... very wrong.  
  
Something was...  
  
Her clothes!  
  
Jumping off the sumptuous bed, Thera looked down at what she was wearing. Where were her beautiful orange clothes? What was this... this... ugly strappy blue top and strangely slinky pair of sky blue shorts? Obviously, she didn't know what 'sky' was, because she'd never seen the sky. It was just an expression. Right?  
  
Whatever these things were, they were hideous and did nothing for her coloring. Everyone knew greasy-haired blondes looked better in orange.  
  
Oh... oh no!  
  
Her hands went to her hair, which was smooth and silky under her fingers.  
  
It was clean!  
  
The horror!  
  
"Carter?"  
  
A shape loomed out of the darkness and she yelped thinking, for a horrible moment, that it was Kalan and his unnecessarily and surprisingly huge biceps. He'd been pinching her butt in the food queue again and she was getting really pissed.  
  
"Carter? What the hell's wrong?"  
  
Suddenly, a light turned on and Thera's heart rate lowered as the man's face came into view. "Oh, Jonah, it's you," she said with relief. Though, he too wasn't wearing normal clothes. She especially missed the lovely tight hat.  
  
Jonah blinked at her. "Oh.... shit."  
  
"What does 'shit' mean?"  
  
Jonah seemed to panic. He scrambled out of bed, the sheets tangled around his legs. For one moment, he stood upright, then - arms waving in the air, mouth open - he fell backwards.  
  
"Jonah!" Thera yelled, running around the large bed to where her 'friend' was lying.  
  
He moaned and rubbed his hand across his (clean) face. When he opened his eyes, he blinked a couple of times. "Thera?" he said.  
  
  
*  
  
General Hammond ran to the control room at the sound of the klaxons. "Report, Chevron Guy."  
  
"Sir, we have an incoming wormhole and are not receiving an IDC."  
  
"Close the iris," Hammond ordered, even though it was already closed. Habit, really.  
  
Suddenly the iris opened.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sir. I have no control!"  
  
They watched as a lone, hooded figure stepped through the gate and proceeded down the ramp. The SFs raised their weapons, the newer among them involuntarily trembling. The figure paused for a moment then let loose a piercing shriek that filled the levels of the SGC. Lightning bolts shot out from the creature's hands decimating all in their path. With a loud crack of electricity the SFs slumped to the floor, the smell of ozone beginning to seep through to the control room.  
  
The figure reached up and pulled back its hood.  
  
Hammond stared directly at it, seeing the mergence of Man's despair and desperation reflected in its eyes. Truly this was the heart of darkness. Until this moment, Hammond had really never known evil.  
  
Finally it spoke, its icy words enough to pierce a man's soul.  
  
"Fair day."  
  
*  
  
Cassie rang the doorbell for the third time and looked at her watch. Where were they? She was sure it was today that she was supposed to pick up the triplets and take them for an extended visit to Mark's house in San Diego. She pushed open the mail slot in the door.  
  
"Hello!" she yelled in a sing-songy, young-adult kind of way through the opening.  
  
She heard scuffling before a pair of eyes appeared through the slot.  
  
They blinked at her. "Uh, hello?"  
  
"Oh, hey Jack. I'm here for the triplets."  
  
His eyes disappeared. She heard some strained whispering before he finally came back.  
  
"Did Brenna send you?"  
  
*  
  
"I knew it!" Janet hissed as they studied the creature through the window on the isolation room.  
  
"Knew what?" DJ asked, finding himself transfixed on the creature inside. He couldn't *believe* the Colonel had slept with that. No, really. It was just... too horrible to imagine.  
  
"That she was the spawn of Satan! There's an equation, you know."  
  
((((L+A)*I)/(R-A)) * 100) + (-E+(D/O)-(R*A)) = 666  
  
"Rounding up, of course," she added. "Sam had it as her screensaver for a while."  
  
DJ sighed. Not more equations.  
  
"Just be glad she didn't get pregnant," Janet whispered.  
  
DJ's mouth(s) dropped open. "No way!"  
  
"That's what Sam told me. In confidence," she added.  
  
"Who else have you told?"  
  
"Um... everyone." Janet turned her eye back on the creature inside, trying to decide if she could take Laira down with her needle.  
  
Nah. Laira was just *too* powerful.  
  
*  
  
The strange blond woman had taken three angelic, smiling, cooing, and perfectly content infants with her. Ones they hadn't even known were in the building. They tried asking her what kind of building this was, but she only muttered 'frick'n weird,' 'Earthlings' and 'sex games' as she left. So, she had been no help and their location was still a mystery.  
  
Fortunately, Thera was able to find a way to cover up most of the places in the walls where a blinding light shown through. Everything here was so confusing, but at least they were together.  
  
They wandered through the various areas, trying to get their bearings. A large room with mechanical-looking things seemed to make Thera very excited, so Jonah decided they would stay there a while. He pushed a lever on a large machine that was humming slightly. It shot water out at him. Well, at least they had found a drinking supply. He pushed the lever next to it and jumped back as it spit something different out.  
  
Thera gasped.  
  
Jonah quickly kicked it away. He knew ice when he saw it.  
  
Other, smaller machines lined the shelves. Thera picked up a rectangular object, pushing on a lever. This one didn't seem to spit ice. She played with it a while, then turned around, smiling at Jonah.  
  
Jonah watched with wonder, awe and amazement as Thera stood with the metal object in her hands. Whatever it had been, now it was a handy space heater.  
  
Thera was *so* amazing. She knew everything! He licked his palm and tried to smooth out his boyishly-messy hair. Would she notice? He wished he could do something to impress her. But what? Push something? Pull something? Hit something really, really hard? Maybe he'd get lucky and a pipe would burst. Although there didn't seem to be any pipes around.  
  
One thing was for certain, he was going to try and move his cot closer to her cot tonight.  
  
She turned the space heater upside down suddenly and shook. A load of crumbs fell out. "Look!" she exclaimed. "Food!"  
  
"Cool," Jonah murmured, licking a finger and applying it to the crumbs on the strange surface.  
  
Thera followed the black rope thing towards the wall, her beautiful blue eyes curiously studying the panel on the wall. "I think... I think this much be some kind of a power source."  
  
"Yeah?" These crumbs weren't particularly appetizing, Jonah thought, wrinkling his nose in distaste.  
  
"I wonder what would happen if I...."  
  
The heat turned off.  
  
"Why did you do that?" Jonah asked, holding his hand over the gaps on top of the space heater as the heat died away.  
  
"Just... because I wanted to." She opened her eyes wider at him and batted her incredibly long but strangely dark eyelashes at him.  
  
Jonah smiled goofily at her.  
  
*  
  
Over at the SGC, in the backest back corner of the deepest darkest underground space, in a room behind a door with a large sign that read "If you hear loud intermittent buzzing coming from this door, notify your supervisor immediately," a space that was in fact the storage room for everything the SGC was ordered to  
destroy but hadn't quite gotten to yet, something moved. And then something else moved. And then there was a whole *lot* of movement. A flash of light filled the room and suddenly two figures appeared. Figures which looked exactly like Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter.  
  
Only they both had goatees.  
  
*  
  
Hammond walked towards his CMO and 2/5ths of SG-1. "Is it...she...it sufficiently contained?"  
  
"Yes, Sir," Janet replied.  
  
"Good work, Doctor. May I ask how you were able to get her into an isolation cell?"  
  
Janet and DJ looked at each other, both slightly embarrassed about the gaping plot hole.  
  
"Erm, Teal'c did...something."  
  
Out of nowhere, Teal'c appeared, pleased (stoically) that he had, if not been given a line, at least finally been mentioned. He opened his mouth in what was sure to be an "indeed" but Hammond was quicker.  
  
"Thank you, Teal'c."  
  
Teal'c nodded.  
  
The phone on the wall rang, conveniently ensuring that Hammond had something to do besides stand there and look fatherly. "Hammond," he said.  
  
"Sir, this is your secretary calling. You told me to remind you about Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter."  
  
Excellent! "Yes, thank you so much." He hung up and hurried back to Janet who had her nose pressed to the window (DJ had fetched her a footstool). Teal'c and DJ were standing in the background, discussing their favorite ice cream flavors. The discussion was getting quite heated because Daniel's favorite flavor was different to Jonas's and Teal'c was - evilly - suggesting that one person couldn't have *two* favorite flavors.  
  
In fact, Hammond had a suspicion that Teal'c was enjoying winding DJ up. A least, judging from his smug smile he was...  
  
Focus Hammond!  
  
Ignoring the aliens, he turned to Dr Fraiser. "Do you know any more about Colonel O'Neill and his situation?"  
  
Janet peeled her face away from the window and blinked at him. "You know, I don't, sir. I've been so distracted with the arrival of Laira that I completely forgot! That's so unlike me!" she exclaimed, really quite worried. SG-1 was *everything* to her after all.  
  
Hammond nodded. Actually, he'd forgotten too. He had written it down on his hand at one point - O'NEILL? – but then he'd washed his hands after he'd spilt his favorite chicken noodle soup on his desk and it had washed off. "Perhaps we'd better...."  
  
Suddenly, the klaxons started to do their thing.  
  
"AH.... THIS IS... UM... NOT AN UNAUTHORISED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION," Chevron guy said across the PA system, "THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WRONG DOWN IN THE BACKEST BACK CORNER OF THE DEEPEST DARKEST UNDERGROUND SPACE. THERE'S THIS LOUD INTERMITTENT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM BEHIND ONE OF THE DOORS." He cleared his throat. This was the longest line he'd *ever* had and he wanted to make the most of it. "I JUST THOUGHT YOU OUGHTA KNOW."  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
DJ gasped twice (one for Daniel, one for Jonas).  
  
"Wow," DJ said, "what could that possibly be? I mean, the only thing we keep in the deepest darkest corner of the SGC is...."  
  
"Crap," Hammond said, closing his eyes. Laira was here, of course the AU mirror would activate as well. After all, those were the only two clichés missing from the previous er... never mind.  
  
Dammit.  
  
They ran off, leaving Laira cackling evilly in her room.  
  
And conveniently forgot all about Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter.  
  
*  
  
"You know, they aren't necessarily evil," DJ said sanctimoniously as the three of them peered into yet another room where Evil!Sam and Evil!Jack were housed.  
  
Teal'c had, er, put them in there. Yeah. That's right. Teal'c. And Junior, of course.  
  
"DJ, they have *goatees*," Janet said as if this was proof of their Evil!ness.  
  
DJ's face flickered. He was pissed. Janet bit her lip. Or maybe he was just concerned. Perhaps... sad? Dammit, she just couldn't tell looking at him.  
  
"I'm sorry, Janet, but you can't accuse them of Evil!ness just because they have facial hair."  
  
"Do any of us have facial hair?" Hammond demanded.  
  
The three of them looked at Teal'c, recalling the monstrous 'thing' he had on his chin at some stage during season... during the past.  
  
Teal'c raised his head proudly. "That was an experiment. I am so over the facial hair," he said.  
  
Stoically.  
  
"I do believe that they are Evil!, however," Teal'c added.  
  
DJ crossed his arms over his chest. "You just don't get it! You couldn't be more wrong!" DJ started stomping his foot.  
  
Suddenly, with his foot raised in mid stomp he slumped over, revealing a diminutive Janet Fraiser-Jackson-Quinn behind him holding a plunged needle.  
  
"*Thank you,* Doctor."  
  
"No problem, Sir. You'd actually be surprised how much of this stuff I go through at home. 'The mold in the fridge is a sentient life form!' 'The neighbor kids have feelings!' 'I wanna watch the History Channel!'" She glared at DJ. With love, of course.  
  
Hammond turned away from the domestic scene thanking his lucky stars that SG-1 had decided to couple up.  
  
He eyed Teal'c thoughtfully.  
  
Now, his niece Lisa would be just *perfect* for Teal'c.  
  
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. His finely honed Jaffa senses told him that GeneralHammond was considering fixing him up with his niece yet again. If only she wasn't the spitting image of her uncle. As they used to say on Chulak: "Hell, no!"  
  
*  
  
Jonah's eyes followed Thera as she systematically moved from one object to the other. It was exhausting just watching her. Which gave him an idea.  
  
"Thera, why don't you sit down and relax for a while?"  
  
"Maybe later."  
  
But Jonah's shoulder was all primed for a little bit of head lean'n and he wasn't about to give up.  
  
"Come on. Take a break. You know, maybe even lean your head against, uh, something." He sat down on the floor against the wall and patted the space beside him.  
  
"Well," she grinned, which made her blue eyes appear to be even bluer than the bluest blue, "maybe for a bit."  
  
Ecstatic, Jonah fluffed up the fabric on his sleeve and shifted his shoulder back and forth trying to decide what would be the most appealing, before settling on a slight gap between him and the wall.  
  
She sat down close to him. "Thanks for the suggestion."  
  
"Anytime," he tried to say nonchalantly, but failed.  
  
Thera sighed...  
  
Jonah held his shoulder perfectly still, giddy with anticipation.  
  
...and leaned her head back against the wall.  
  
Damn it.  
  
*  
  
The agreed-upon (generally) "Evil!"Jack and "Evil!"Sam sat in the briefing room. Filled with about fifty SGC personnel.  
  
"Okay, everyone but main characters out!" Hammond ordered.  
  
As the phrase 'bet you real Jack or Sam sleeps with Evil!Jack or Evil!Sam,' spoken by one of the last few people leaving the room was overheard, DJ started banging his head against the table. Janet frowned at him and made a stabbing motion, which he picked up on and settled down.  
  
"Now then..."  
  
"General, if I may," DJ interrupted and continued without even glancing at Hammond, "I believe the question that's on all our minds is, 'how long have you two been married?'"  
  
"Well," Evil!Jack began, "I've been married for five years and Sam here has been married for three."  
  
Confused silence descended upon the room.  
  
Finally Hammond spoke. "Now I know I'm no rocket scientist, but how's that possible?"  
  
"I got married in 1998 and Sam got married in 2000, right?" He looked at her and got a nod.  
  
Everyone stared blankly at them.  
  
"You mean you got married in 1998 and then renewed your vows in 2000. Right?" Janet asked, trying not to wonder why Evil!Janet in their dimension hadn't told Evil!Sam that the goatee look was just not working.  
  
"No," said Evil!Sam. "You all seem to think...we're not married to each other."  
  
Even Teal'c gasped.  
  
Hammond swiftly rose from his chair. "My God, people! This is just too horrible to imagine!" He glared at DJ. "And you thought they weren't evil!"  
  
DJ's face had drained of its color. "I'm sorry, General. I was wrong. So very, very wrong."  
  
"I need recommendations, and I need them now!"  
  
The color quickly returned to DJ's face, along with a smarmy grin. "We could let Evil!Sam and Evil!Laira...I mean, Laira fight. I could maybe get some jello or something. As a snack," he quickly added upon more pantomimed needle stabbing from his wife.  
  
Teal'c rose an eyebrow. "Perhaps even a battle to the death."  
  
"Why?" asked Hammond.  
  
"I believe it would be entertaining."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
DJ's happy grin dissolved into weeping as a voice in the distance yelled out, "Fifty bucks on Evil!Sam!"  
  
*  
  
"These people are seriously weird," Evil!Sam murmured to Evil!Jack.  
  
"No shit," Evil!Jack replied.  
  
For Evil!Jack could swear. With ease. He didn't have to worry about watersheds because Evil!Stargate aired really late in their reality.  
  
Both of them watched as DJ managed the Jell-O being carried down the corridor. Evil!Sam checked her watch. "You know, if they don't get a move on we'll be facing entrophic cascade whatever," she sighed impatiently, reaching up to stroke her Evil!Goatee. Evilly.  
  
Because, just as Teal'c was stoic, they were evil.  
  
"Why the hell did they seem to think we were married anyway?" Evil!Jack asked, eyeing up Janet Fraiser.  
  
For he was married to Janet Fraiser in the other reality.  
  
Only she had a goatee too.  
  
"I have no idea." She glared at DJ. "Have you noticed something odd about Daniel? I mean... he'd got different colored eyes and this funny sort of glowiness about him."  
  
"And no glasses."  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
"Hey, you're married to him. You should be more observant."  
  
"He doesn't wear his glasses at home," Evil!Sam said, sniffily. "He actually only wears them to work so he fits in with all the other scientists."  
  
Evil!Jack blinked. And stroked his goatee. "Weird."  
  
Evil!Sam shrugged. "You know Evil!D... I mean, Daniel."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You know, Daniel... or whoever he is... kinda reminds me of that guy... you know... the one who was exiled from his planet and now lives in the basement with all the stuff we don't know where to file."  
  
"The guy with the *really* tight T-shirts?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Evil!Jack shrugged. "I don't know his name. J... something. John. No, that's me. Jonas?" he said with sudden inspiration.  
  
"No! That was the guy I was engaged to!" Evil!Sam laughed heartily. "And Jonas is a pretty rare name. What would be the chance of knowing two people called exactly the same thing - and one an alien as well!"  
  
They laughed (evilly) together.  
  
"Um, I swear it was... nah. How about.... Simmons?"  
  
"No, we already have two of those."  
  
"Davis?"  
  
"Ditto."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
Hmm indeed.  
  
*  
  
"Wow. That is so... cool."  
  
Thera looked at him sharply. "Cool?" she repeated. She put her hand into the strange stream of water. "It's actually quite warm."  
  
"Oh. No. I think... I think it's an expression. Isn't it?"  
  
She shrugged. He said a lot of weird things. She found it kinda endearing. "I think this... this... water thing is decorative," she said.  
  
"Really?"  
  
No. Actually, she thought the wall was leaking through that strange fixture but that would only upset him.  
  
"How did it start?" Jonah asked, staring at it with a rapt expression.  
  
Thera cleared her throat. Actually, she knew it was something she'd done but she couldn't remember what. So if they drowned, it would probably be her fault.  
  
Maybe she'd just keep that little bit of information away from him.  
  
"Hey, look, it's going out of the bit in the bottom," he said, pointing  
down.  
  
Thera looked down. "A drain!" she said with some assurance.  
  
"Yeah. A drain."  
  
They sighed. Something familiar, at last.  
  
"Maybe if we leave it alone," Jonah suggested, putting an arm about her shoulder, "It will stop."  
  
No way, Thera thought guiltily. "Sure. That's a good idea."  
  
They walked out of the tiled room into the room with the huge bed. It looked very uncomfortable to Thera and Jonah, which was why they'd set up their cots on the floor. Though, Thera thought, frowning slightly, their cot had got closer and closer together since their first night here.  
  
This morning she'd even woken up next to him, spooned together in a sign of their unconscious need to be close together.  
  
He must move around a lot in his sleep, Thera decided.  
  
"Time for bed, I think," Jonah announced suddenly, yawning dramatically.  
  
Thera wasn't particularly tired. In fact, it didn't seem very long since they'd last slept. Still, Jonah had to be right. After all, he'd been a foreman in the mines once.  
  
*  
  
In San Diego, Mark and his wife watched the triplets put themselves to bed with amazement.  
  
"They're just so amazing," Mark's wife whispered to her husband, who had brown/black hair.  
  
Mark put his arm around his wife's shoulders. "I know. Well, what could you expect? They're Sam's."  
  
"I love Sam."  
  
"Yeah. It's a pity we don't see much of her."  
  
"Yeah. Such a pity. And your father, of course."  
  
"Dad. Yeah. I miss Dad. Of course, I hate the military."  
  
"Of course. Because of your mother." She patted his back comfortingly. "I understand. I'm so pleased you were able to overcome your hatred of the military in forming such a strong bond with Jack."  
  
Mark smiled, proudly. "Jack's a great guy. Not too old for Sam, either. And he is, after all, extremely cool."  
  
"That he is."  
  
The triplets gurgled 'goodnight' to their aunt and uncle - though they were extremely smart, they couldn't talk. They were only a few months old.  
  
Mark's wife, whose name was....  
  
"Mom! Dad!" one of their children called.  
  
"Coming!"  
  
*  
  
No sooner had Thera laid down on her cot (fortunately they had actually found cots in a dark, lower level of the building), than she felt Jonah's arms go around her as he moved close behind her.  
  
Then his foot went over her foot. And his foot started rubbing her foot.  
  
Thera almost got misty. He was so obviously trying to keep her warm. What a great guy! He was so noble! Heroic, even.  
  
If only she didn't want to jump him.  
  
If, in fact, that was the correct phrase. She wasn't sure, but it seemed like the right term to use.  
  
Thera felt one of his hands move and start to rub her back. She had to admit, it did make her feel warmer.  
  
But she was finding it harder and harder to control herself, and she really couldn't handle the look of disappointment and hurt on his face if she gave in. Just how shocked would he be at her for thinking the way she did? Thera really didn't want to find out. Well, she better remove herself from the situation before she did anything embarrassing.  
  
She rolled over, which was actually quite hard considering the vice grip he had on her. To keep her warm.  
  
So noble!  
  
Well, maybe she would allow herself one small, tiny indulgence.  
  
"Thanks for being here with me." She gave him a kiss on the cheek.  
  
Jonah moved one of his hands to his cheek and she used that opportunity to get up. She hadn't gotten two steps out the door when she could plainly hear his voice.  
  
"Damn. Damn. Damn!"  
  
Thera felt a pang of sadness. He so obviously wanted to keep her warm. She sighed. He must have been a really great foreman.  
  
*  
  
Janet eyed the Jell-o disapprovingly; however, DJ had skirted her disapproval yet again by claiming "it's how we did it on Kelowna." If half of what he said was true, then Kelowna was, in her opinion, the most ass-backwards planet in the galaxy. Seriously. No one planet could be that screwed up.  
  
Although, there was that one thing he did with his... She was sure that little move hadn't originated anywhere on Earth.  
  
But even *if* the Jell-O thing was true (Jell-O had to be a universal constant after all), they were doing it wrong. "Uh, guys? I think you actually have to make it and refrigerate it first."  
  
DJ and Teal'c stopped pouring powder and water into the makeshift tub/ring they had set up in the gate room.  
  
"Aw hell, are you sure?"  
  
"Pretty sure."  
  
"Teal'c, you'd know. Didn't you and Jack go out to watch Jell-O wrestling? You know, that one time when you called me and I told you to get bent?"  
  
"I believe your exact words were, fu..."  
  
"*Thank you!* I remember now. *Anyway* haven't you seen Jell-O wrestling before?"  
  
"O'Neill had promised this outing; however, we in fact went back to his place where I had the pleasure of watching him become excessively inebriated. He was most pissy about MajorCarter that night."  
  
A group of people wandered in and began to gather around Teal'c.  
  
"I attempted to talk him down by using the Earth phrases, 'she's not good enough for you, man,' and, 'dude - there's more fish in the sea.'  
  
Everyone stood in rapt attention. There wasn't an eye that wasn't turned toward Teal'c. "What'd he say?" someone yelled as Chevron Guy leaned over to flip on the PA pickup in the gate room.  
  
Teal'c, most pleased, surveyed the crowd. Not even when his symbiote had almost died, one of the times (Wait. Did he even have a symbiote anymore? He hadn't checked in a while and wasn't completely sure), had he received so much attention.  
  
"His exact words were," Teal'c did his best impression of his team leader. "'But I love her, man! I mean, she can take down a cadre of Jaffa, field strip a P90 in five seconds and makes the best damn soufflé you've ever tasted. What more could a guy ask for?'"  
  
The group (mostly men) nodded and shrugged their shoulders. After all, what more *could* a guy ask for?  
  
"We even returned to MajorCarter's house later that evening where O'Neill spent an hour and a half crying in the bushes. Like a little girl." Teal'c rose an eyebrow.  
  
"Damn, that Jack sounds like a complete..." Evil!Jack started to say as he and Evil!Sam, using the distraction, slipped back to the mirror.  
  
Suddenly he stopped. What was happening to him? He was starting to have very unprofessional and highly inappropriate feelings for his CO. It must be this place!  
  
He turned to Evil!SG-1's team leader. "Sam? Can we get out of here now?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, I can't even remember why we came here in the first place," she said, using one hand to touch the mirror and the other to stroke her goatee.  
  
*  
  
Jonah was feeling pretty frustrated. Thera was happily playing away in the room with all the strange machines and didn't seem inclined to play with his interesting bits. Though she'd taken to kissing him on the cheek a lot recently, things weren't really moving the way he wanted them to.  
  
And it wasn't as if he had anything to take his mind off the lack of sex he was getting. As a foreman, he was pretty sure he got laid a lot. He had a distant memory of some scary women in his past. A brown haired woman. Kind of... evil... in fact. Then there was another one... though this memory was a little more hazy. Another brunette. But pouty.  
  
Hmm.  
  
He wandered around the strange building that they were incarcerated in. He'd found a lot of books in one but the last time he'd started to read the spines, Thera had called him away.  
  
And whenever Thera called, Jonah ran.  
  
So he wandered back into that room and turned his head to the side: "The Voluptuous Maiden", "Virgin Bride and Oil" and "Super-duper Hunky Hero".  
  
Jonah wondered if these were some kind of technical books. As a foreman, he had of course read the necessary information required to mine a lot. In the  
dark. Though he couldn't remember actually reading them - he must have done it whilst mining which naturally meant he was extremely good at multi-tasking. However, the names didn't really seem to be that technical sounding.  
  
He pulled down one of the books and raised his eyebrows slightly at the somewhat lurid picture on the front of a scantily dressed woman and a very muscley man. Nervously, he looked out into the hallway just to check to see if Thera was around. He wasn't sure she'd like what these people were wearing.  
  
Jonah sat down in one of the chairs and opened the first page. Hopefully, this would take his mind off of having sex with Thera.  
  
*  
  
Thera was bored. Her plans for improving the small space heater weren't going terribly well. So far she'd pulled it apart, put it back together again, pulled it apart one more time and then put it back together again along with bits and pieces from the other machines in the room.  
  
The space heater now gave off a lot more heat but it didn't seem to want to give any more food. But that was okay. She'd pulled a handle earlier on the previous day and found a cool space with lots of strangely wrapped food inside. There were some green things at the bottom which looked a little nasty, so she and Jonah hadn't touched them, but there were plenty of other things that were perfectly edible.  
  
No oatmeal, though. Or bread. Which was a shame. She always liked it when Jonah got her bread for her. His hand would brush hers and...  
  
She sighed and dropped down one of the handy tools she'd found in one of the drawers.  
  
Jonah was really hot. Even in the weird clothes he was wearing. And she'd really quite like to have sex with him. Somehow that would *definitely* improve her day. After all, there wasn't much work to be done around here and she wasn't used to it. The little space heater was nothing on running an entire power plant.  
  
She stood up and walked into the room with the soft seating places. She didn't really like them - being so used to sleeping on cots and sitting on the ground, so she lowered herself onto the space in front of a large rectangular box with a shiny front and lots of buttons.  
  
Thera liked buttons.  
  
They made her want to go 'Ooooh'. And since no one else was making her go 'Ooooh' at the moment she decided it was time to press the buttons.  
  
The first two did nothing. Which was a pity. But the last one...  
  
She jumped back from the box and blinked at it.  
  
'Oooooh," she said.  
  
This was *way* better than sex!  
  
*  
  
Things were pretty tedious back at the SGC. Janet was so not enjoying this equal attention thing that NID were enforcing on her in the infirmary. Every single person who came in with a problem was expected to be treated the same, be they from SG-1 or, you know, one of those other teams. Okay, okay, Janet had decided. That was fine. The other teams weren't SG-1, but at least they sometimes got screen time. It was the little people, the extras who only handed each other clipboards in the background, or stood in front of blinking scenery, that pissed her off.  
  
She really didn't care about them.  
  
"This is gonna hurt," she said dully as she applied antiseptic over a gashing wound.  
  
Her patient - she hadn't even bothered to learn his name - writhed in agony on the floor (what was the point in messing up one of her militarily made beds?) and she sighed.  
  
None of the others had the same magnificent pain barriers as SG-1  
  
*sigh*  
  
She missed SG-1. Obviously not DJ, because she got enough of him at home. But Teal'c, who had gone off to see his son. Or so she assumed. Whenever he wasn't around, she just figured he went off to Chulak. It was a really handy excu... reason. Reason. Yeah. And then there was...  
  
"Holy shit! Sam! Jack!"  
  
Janet ran out of the room on her tiny little legs, taking tiny little running leaps.  
  
Airman what-his-name writhed on the floor in agony, waving his hand in the air. "Help me... please..." Then, because the strain of actually having a line was too much for him, he died.  
  
So sad.  
  
*  
  
Jonah only got two chapters into the book before he flung it across the room. That was *not* what he needed. 'Lusty?' 'Heaving?' 'Throbbing?!' Oh, he needed something all right. But that book wasn't it.  
  
Wonder where Thera was?  
  
Thera sat in front of the square box, transfixed. She had been planning to take it apart (anything to keep her busy) until she had pushed one of the buttons and it started telling her all about planets, space, and black holes. Incredible! She was so absorbed she didn't even hear Jonah come in.  
  
"What's that?" Jonah asked, not especially caring. It was yet another machine and he was more interested in the person in front of the machine.  
  
"Mmm...don't...know." Thera vaguely heard him sit down behind her. "Wow, this is so..."  
  
Her attention shifted.  
  
He was rubbing her neck. Slowly.  
  
Funny. It wasn't really cold in the room.  
  
"...interesting."  
  
Jonah watched Thera move her head a bit. "Nice?" he asked.  
  
"Very," she said huskily.  
  
He didn't know why he was putting himself through this. Odds were he'd get another peck on the cheek. But here he was. Like an idiot. Damn that book!  
  
*You know, I'd really like to feel your *lips* on my neck.*  
  
Jonah froze. Did she...? Huh? "What?"  
  
Thera had a moment of panic. She didn't say that out loud, did she? No. There was no way. "I didn't say anything."  
  
"Yeah, I think you did. Something about, uh, my lips?"  
  
She slowly turned around, mortified. "I'm sorry. It'll never happen again. You've been so great this whole time and the last thing I wanted to do was make you uncomfortable."  
  
Huh? Wha? This whole time she was... Wha?  
  
"I won't let my personal feelings get in the way of our working relationship."  
  
Working...?  
  
Nuts to that!  
  
Jonah grabbed her and kissed her, finally feeling her soft lips on his.  
  
Although...her soft lips were kissing back pretty darn hard. And she was roughly pushing him back onto the furry floor. Hey, how did his shirt get up around his neck? Damn, she was good. Really, really good.  
  
He let his hands roam. Down from her face. Over her smooth neck. Past her shoulders...  
  
Suddenly, a flash of blinding white light filled the room and Jonah disappeared.  
  
"Son of a bitch!" Thera yelled. After all, it seemed like the right thing to yell.  
  
*  
  
"It appears to me, sir, that due to Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter's deep telepathic bond, Sam somehow managed to mimic the Colonel's form of amnesia, reverting back to her 'Thera' persona. And from what I can tell in conversation with 'Thera', Colonel O'Neill reverted back in sympathy to 'Jonah'."  
  
Hammond blinked at Janet.  
  
DJ blinked at Janet.  
  
Teal'c stared at her like she'd suddenly grown a hamster from her head.  
  
Janet scowled. "What?! It was the best I could come up with given the short notice! Come on, give me a break."  
  
Hammond cleared his throat. "Fine. Thank you, Doctor. That... idea... seems... no more unusual than Teal'c's symbiote being a frequent handy plot device."  
  
Teal'c bowed his head. "Indeed," he said deeply.  
  
DJ kinda wished he had a catch phrase. Teal'c had 'indeed'. Janet had 'needles' 'sedation' 'oh DJ I *love* it when you do that'. Hammond had... well, no one really listened to him. Chevron guy had 'Chevron One engaged' and so on. He was beginning to feel left out. Sure, Jonas had his phrases and Daniel, too, but DJ didn't have any.  
  
Deciding to cultivate some phrases, DJ pulled his notepad down onto his lap and began to scrawl some ideas down.  
  
"So where is Major Carter now?"  
  
"Oh, in one of the VIP quarters. With guards on the door," she added. She really didn't want this fic to go on any longer with some preposterous plot thread about Thera escaping and somehow managing to make it to the surface to wander around alone and confused.  
  
"And where does she say Colonel O'Neill went?"  
  
"She said he disappeared in a flash of white light," Teal'c said, looking down at his hands as he tried to have a thumb war with just himself. It was most difficult and not half as absorbing played by just him. "Which sounds reminiscent of the Asgard transport ray."  
  
"Yeah," DJ said, looking up from his phrases. So far he had: 'I'm not slutty, I'm just friendly' and 'I never kiss on the first date. Okay, okay, I never kiss in the first hour'. "Sam seemed pretty pissed. Kept muttering 'son of a bitch!'  
  
Hammond nodded understandingly. "Thor does have impeccable timing."  
  
"It is not as good as DanielJackson's," Teal'c pointed out.  
  
"Hey, I... he....we never walked in on Sam and the Colonel," DJ protested hotly. "I only walked in on Sam and Narim *actually*. And once on Sam and Martouf holding hands or something. I would have thought everyone would be pleased at *my* timing!"  
  
Everyone ignored him.  
  
DJ went back to scrawling his phrases on a notepad and swore he wouldn't talk at all during the rest of the mission.  
  
Suddenly a bright white yadda yadda yadda filled the room and everyone gasped. Actually, no one did. They were all pretty much expecting it.  
  
Colonel O'Neill sat up on top of the briefing room table and looked up at the ceiling - "Nice aiming there, Thor!" he yelled.  
  
Thor was obviously too advanced to reply.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill. Nice of you to join us," Hammond said, raising his eyebrows. "I take it you are restored to yourself?"  
  
"Yeah." He slid off the table, a little self-conscious in his T-shirt and shorts. "Where's Sam?"  
  
"In one of the VIP quarters," Janet said, leaning away from him as his smell wafted over towards her. "Perhaps a shower first?" She blinked away tears.  
  
Jack lifted his arm and sniffed his armpit. "Bad?" he asked.  
  
"YES!" they cried, fleeing the room.  
  
*  
  
Since the unnaturally small woman had left, Thera had taken apart the light source twice, fiddled with the strange heating source on the wall and fixed a broken spring on the base of the cot.  
  
Then she twiddled her thumbs for a while.  
  
She liked this place, she'd decided. There weren't any windows or skylights and it seemed to be relatively warm and even below ground. The colors weren't that bad either - grey mostly, with little touches of white. And the people, who she could see through the little glass portal on the door, wore much more clothing and in much more suitable colors.  
  
It was a huge relief.  
  
Lying on her cot, she stared up at the nicely grey ceiling and wondered why she was here. Perhaps it was something to do with Brenna. Maybe she'd taken on board Thera's suggestions and moved her to some kind of research unit. Strange that Brenna hadn't come to see her personally about it, though.  
  
And what about Jonah? That bright white light had been a little freaky. Particularly since she couldn't find him afterwards. She had a strange feeling that happened a lot, which, strangely, seemed to comfort her. She knew he would return. Somehow. She'd just have to be patient.  
  
When he came back, they could have sex.  
  
Yay!  
  
There was a noise outside and Thera would have said it happened 'suddenly' but things had been happening 'suddenly' a lot recently and she didn't want to overuse the word. She sat up and looked at the door. It swung open dramatically, revealing.....  
  
"Hey, Sam," Jonah said.  
  
She frowned at him. His hair was wet and he was wearing similar clothes to the people outside - green pants and a black top. He looked... oddly familiar. "Sam?" she queried.  
  
"That's your name. Sam Carter." He walked into the room and crouched down in front of her, his face millimetres away from hers. "Sam.... Carter."  
  
Sam.... Carter.  
  
That sounded...  
  
Wait...  
  
Wait...  
  
She smiled. "Sir," she whispered huskily.  
  
Jack's eyes dilated with lust. "Oh, babe..." He leaned forward and kissed her.  
  
Oh *yeah*, Sam thought, pulling her husband on top of her. Damn, but he was hot.  
  
Then, with impeccable timing, she gasped, and pushed him away. His mouth opened and closed with disappointment. "The triplets!" she yelled.  
  
Janet ran into the room, desperate to be in the last scene. "Don't you remember, Sam? Cassie took them to see Mark. They're fine!"  
  
"Whew," Sam said with maternal relief. "That's okay then."  
  
Jack raised his eyebrows at her. "Um, Sam, can we....?" He nodded towards the bed.  
  
*Make with the hot monkey love?* she suggested using their deep telepathic bond. *Sure. So long as you get Janet out of the room*.  
  
Janet scowled and walked out. *Okay, even I heard that one* she muttered, grabbing DJ by the shirt collar and dragging him after her.  
  
Teal'c hovered in the hallway after closing the door to the VIP room, not sure what to do. Perhaps he would go to Chulak.  
  
And in her room alone, Laira practiced her cackle, interspersing it with 'fair day' to see how evil an effect she could create. She was sure someone would remember where she was. After all, they'd left her with all this Jell-O....  
  
-End-  
  



	3. Episode I: The Phantom Cheese

Title: Episode I: The Phantom Cheese 

Authors: Jojo and Michelle V. 

Email: randomleaves@yahoo.co.uk and mvandenbos@excite.com 

Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: Yes. Lots. But... not really for Season 6. Or Seven. That clear it up for you? Um... it's supposed to be set in Season 3. But we only decided that about halfway through because it was convenient. Yeah. We suck. 

Disclaimer: Most of this isn't ours. Most of this doesn't resemble anything by the Stargate people but that's because this is a parody. One character is entirely ours but we don't want to spoil it by saying anything here *g*. 

A/N: This fic is entirely written for Emry and Melly who - as part of the present - got to beta it as well! Aren't we wonderful? They certainly are. It's the first time a Stormy has ever been betaed. And there were a worrying number of mistakes. Makes us wonder what the hell went on the other two. *shrugs* Good thing we don't do this for a living. 

The Cheese is a prequel to "It was a Dark and Stormy Night. Suddenly, a Jaffa Yelled 'Kree!'". Because, clearly, a prequel was needed to explain the complex relationships established in Dark and Stormy I and II. Not just because we kept remembering things we hadn't previously mocked thoroughly. 

Thanks to Suz and Hya for turning a blind eye to the overt plagiarism. And thanks to Nanda. For no reason at all. 

All hail Suz! 

Once again, we'd like to make clear that we're not making fun of *anyone*. We're making fun of *everyone*, including ourselves. Actually, mostly ourselves. 

* 

* 

* 

As Sam stepped out of the shower, she pondered just which towel to use - the full sized one that Daniel had lent her, or the really tiny, miniscule towel that she usually used as a hand towel.

Decisions, decisions.

In the end, since it *was* the women's locker room and there was no *way* anyone embarrassing would walk in; she decided to go for the tiny towel.

She'd just dried one elbow, when the most embarrassing thing happened.

Colonel O'Neill walked in. 

D'OH!

"Shit!" Jack hissed, keeping up the pretense that he didn't know it was the women's locker room or that his 2IC was in there, even though the $50 he just gave to an airman told him otherwise.

Unfortunately, Jack's little plan didn't involve a bar of soap on the floor. "Shit!" he yelled in earnest as he slipped, crashing to the floor.

"Shit!" Sam yelled herself as she scrambled towards her CO, not having time for either of the towels. Looks like she was going to have to give mouth-to-mouth....

Daniel and Teal'c, walking along the corridor discussing... something archaeology related... paused.

Teal'c looked at Daniel.

Daniel looked at Teal'c.

"DanielJackson... I believe now we must go to the women's locker room and interrupt what could potentially be a romantic moment between Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter."

Daniel blinked. "You mean... we should go and butt in before they get it on?"

"That's exactly what I mean, DanielJackson."

"Just checking."

Sam apparently needed to brush up on her CPR. She didn't *think* the victim was supposed to be moving his mouth. Or holding the back of her head with his hand. But...she wasn't sure. It had been a while since she had taken the class.

This was really, really hot though. She should have offered to give CPR to her CO a *long* time ago.

Suddenly the door burst open in a show of amazing and frustrating timing.

"Shit!" Jack and Sam yelled, Sam wishing for the first time since her CO had walked in the door that she actually had some clothes on.

Daniel, eyeing the scene before him, turned to Teal'c. "You owe me fifty bucks."

"No, DanielJackson, you owe *me* fifty bucks," Teal'c replied.

Daniel put his hands on his hips. "How do you figure that out, then? I said they'd get together before the 25th of March."

"And I said they would 'get together' on base."

"But then *I* said it would probably be in the women's locker room."

"That is true, but I must point out that it was I who...."

Suddenly, Janet burst through the door, panting. "Hi guys!" she said.

"Janet, what are you doing here?" Daniel asked, frowning down and down and down at her.

Janet looked up and up and up at him. "Um... I'm not supposed to be here?" she asked.

"No. You're not in this scene."

Janet blinked. "Oh. Right," she said, glancing at Nekkid!Sam and Colonel O'Neill. She raised her eyebrows at them. "Teal'c, you owe me fifty bucks."

"DoctorFraiser, I do not owe you fifty bucks!" 

Sam sighed and tried to stand up. Which was hard considering the tight grip her CO had on her arm. She was beginning to suspect that he wasn't really unconscious after all. That, and he did yell "shit!" just now. He was still lying on the floor though, his eyes closed and his lips puckered. But she could swear he kept peeking at her through his eyelashes.

She really wished she had some clothes. She was starting to get cold.

That was it. The Colonel had plenty of color in his cheeks (quite a bit actually) - he was going to be fine. She wrestled her arm away and went and grabbed her blue BDUs. Instinctively she looked back at her CO. Hmm. Green. She quickly put the blue back and grabbed the correct color.

Jack mentally sighed. At least, he really hoped he sighed mentally, but it was entirely possible - given the level of frustration he was experiencing - that he might have sighed out loud.

Carter had gone and got changed elsewhere. No more Nekkid!Carter and definitely no more kissing.

He sat up and glared at Teal'c, Daniel and the Doc.

Doc Fraiser cleared her throat. She gave Teal'c a stern look, "We'll discuss the money later."

"We shall indeed," Teal'c said, swallowing slightly. He was just a little afraid of Doc Fraiser.

Janet gave Jack one last fulminating look, and left. Teal'c decided it was probably best if he left too. To visit... his son. On Chulak. Yeah.

"Jack?" Daniel said.

"What?"

"What were you doing in the women's locker room in the first place?"

Jack cleared his throat, nervously, and stood up. "I was... checking... someone had said the women's lockers were nicer than the men's. I wanted to make sure that it was an... unsubstantiated rumor."

Daniel blinked some more. He looked around. "Well, they do have that built in widescreen plasma TV," he pointed out, in the interest of helping Jack with his enquiry. "And a couple of couches. A popcorn maker. And, cool, the whole of FRIENDS on DVD. Don't you just hate Ross?"

"I don't watch FRIENDS. But, yeah, I do hate Ross. We'd better get out of here before Carter realizes I wasn't unconscious." 

"You weren't unconscious?"

Jack shoved Danny out of the room.

Jack and Daniel walked down the hallway, Jack occasionally flicking rubber bands from his pocket at Daniel. Just for the hell of it.

Ahead of them the elevator doors slid open.

Both Jack and Daniel froze, thinking the exact same thought at the exact same time.

Damn!

Out of the elevator stepped forth the most beautiful woman placed on God's green creation. Her long, blond hair shimmered even under the florescent lights, which made her violet eyes sparkle. Her clothes fit her perfectly and looked fantastic on her; although she could have been wearing a burlap bag and she still would have looked fabulous.

She walked towards them; her step so light that it appeared her feet never touched the ground. She gave them both a charming smile.

Jack and Daniel gulped in unison.

"Hi. My name's Jojo Michelle."

Sam wandered out of the women's locker room and followed the trail of elastic bands that were littering the ground. Hmm. Looked like the Colonel and Daniel had come this way, she thought, scooping up a couple and pocketing them.

She turned a corner and her mouth dropped open.

Holy Hannah!

"Hubba hubba!" Janet exclaimed, conveniently rounding the corner the moment she sensed something good was about to happen.

Sam dragged her eyes away from the vision talking to the Colonel and Daniel and saw that Janet, too, had her mouth open.

"You know, if she wasn't obviously a really nice person, generous, kind, intelligent, good with children and a marvelous cook," Janet said, "I would be really jealous of her."

"Yeah. She looks like the type who... realizes that certain men are unavailable, doesn't she?" 

"Oh yeah. Of course."

Janet and Sam narrowed their eyes.

"Still... it wouldn't do to... be too lax around her, would it?" Janet suggested.

"No, no, certainly not. I wonder what conditioner she uses..."

Jojo Michelle spotted the two women standing a little ways down the hallway. She could tell by the looks on their faces that clearly the two men in front of her were taken. Oh, secretly taken, but taken just the same. She had the feeling that she and the two women would become lifelong friends, so she had to put their minds at ease.

"Excuse me boys," she beamed at Jack and Daniel.

They grinned stupidly at her.

Janet eyed Jojo Michelle coming towards them and fingered her needle. She *looked* like she could become one of her best friends, spending countless hours with her and Sam, drinking wine and talking about men, but one couldn't be too careful.

Sam looked down and down at Janet. Then even down further to Janet's hand fingering the needle. "Jan," she whispered. "Let's see what she has to say first."

Janet nodded.

Jojo Michelle glided elegantly to them. "Hi. My name's Jojo Michelle."

Sam and Janet grinned at each other. How could they have ever thought anything but good things?

"So, what time should we get together for girls night tonight?" Janet began.

They quickly all agreed on seven and began to discuss what they would wear. Just about the time Sam was going to ask about Jojo Michelle's conditioner, the klaxons sounded.

"Aw crap," Sam muttered, unhappy with cutting short girl time with one of her new best friends. "It's always something."

"Should I come too?" Jojo Michelle asked. She knew she would be able to help, but didn't want to step on any toes.

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't want to have to beg. "Oh yes! Thank you! I have a feeling there's going to be a problem that only you can take care of."

In the control room, Jojo Michelle and Sam were leaning over the computer keyboards, typing in stuff really, really fast with their nimble long fingers. Both were oblivious to the audience of men that had mysteriously migrated to the control room to watch, with awe, as they worked their brainy goodness on the Stargate systems.

"Major Carter... Major... Van'Eng-Bosslish," Hammond said, recalling (faintly) some kind of transfer for the supremely talented Jojo Michelle from some other base in the US to the SGC, "just what exactly are you doing?"

"Well, sir," Jojo Michelle began, her eyes on the screen and typing away - she could multitask like nobody's business, "basically the sub-parli light beam accelerator light bulbs and photon micro-busters highlighter maxi phonomono combobulator thingymajiggy has gone kaplooey."

"Kaplooey?" Colonel O'Neill asked.

"Kaplooey, sir," Major Carter agreed, "kinda like Kawoosh! except... not."

Daniel frowned, pouted, and crossed his arms. Teal'c glanced at him. Was he confused? Angry? Happy? Irritated? Who knew? These humans were so difficult to read, he thought.

"There!" Jojo Michelle exclaimed triumphantly. 

"Oh, great, you fixed it," Sam said, grinning from ear to ear. "I just knew you would. Sir, can she be on SG-1 with us?"

"Sure! Sir?" the Colonel said, turning to his own CO.

Hammond nodded. "Great idea! But only, you know, temporarily, while we wait for her to couple up the whole of the SGC. Then her work here will be done."

Jojo Michelle smiled.

Beautifully.

Actually, Jack's mind had glazed over way back at the word "basically" - fortunately saving his brain from having to contemplate "sub-parli" or worse yet, "micro-busters." Unable to multitask himself, he instead went back to thinking about Carter. Sure Jojo Michelle was incredibly fantastic, but his heart belonged to his 2IC who was exactly two pay grades below him. If only he could figure out a way around the whole "regulations" thing. He had never been one for regulations, but felt compelled to try and think of an incredibly ridiculous way around this particular one instead of just breaking it.

Getting a letter from the President had always been high on his list, but he had been kicked out of the Oval Office the last time. That was probably out for now.

Maybe they could...no. That would involve too many sheep.

Vaguely in the distance he heard something about Jojo Michelle being on SG-1. Good, thought the tiny, itty-bitty, pea-sized part of his brain that wasn't used for Carter. The same part that was used for breathing. And apparently this small part was so pleased that it asked Hammond for approval.

But back to Carter.

Maybe it would work to...YES!!

Jack grabbed Daniel by the collar and started dragging him out of the room. He nodded to Teal'c to join them because he always hated it when T got left out.

Pushing Daniel into his lab (although he never knew why it was called a lab when there was just a bunch of books and artifacts in it - more of an office really - well, maybe an office/lab), he immediately picked up the most fragile object in the room to see how bouncy it was.

"Daniel, I need to know if there are any planets out there that have any strange kinds of rituals. Uh, wedding-type rituals. Maybe something where the team would be in danger if, say...oh I don't know, Carter and I didn't get married right on the spot. Bonus points, and a gigantic cup of your favorite mountain-blend java roast coffee, for any tribe that requires consummation."

*

".... and that's why, I think we should go to P3W SEX tomorrow," Daniel finished. He cleared his throat and glanced up at Jack, who was nodding appreciatively. Daniel could bullshit with the best of them.

"Let me get this straight," Hammond said, "you want to go to this planet because... otherwise you'll stamp your feet and be Pouty!Daniel for the rest of your life?"

Daniel cleared his throat. "Yeah. That's pretty much it."

Hammond blinked. "Well that's a very persuasive argument there, son. You have a mission, SG-1."

Jojo Michelle grinned and picked up everyone's coffee cups and drinking glasses - she wanted to be helpful and put them away. "Sounds like fun, Daniel. Why don't you ask Dr Fraiser to come?"

"Ah, Major Van'Eng-Bosslish, things don't quite work like that around here..."

Jojo Michelle's smile broadened and she flicked her golden locks over her shoulders and blinked her long, long, long, sweeping eyelashes. "Oh?"

"Um... that is... yeah. Okay. Dr Fraiser can go."

Daniel silently yessed! and punched the air, while Jack grinned lasciviously at Sam.

"Just what's so great about this planet," Sam whispered to Jojo Michelle as they left the briefing room for their girlie bonding lunch with Janet.

"Oh... it's a surprise. Wear nice underwear," Jojo Michelle suggested.

"'K," Sam said, trusting her brand spanking new best friend implicitly.

*

The three women sat around a small table in the mess hall. Sam really needed to ask what Jojo Michelle had meant about the underwear thing earlier. She always wore clean underwear, but Jojo Michelle had used the word 'nice.' Strange. What could she have possibly meant by that?

"So Jojo Michelle, I really need to ask you..." But before she could get any further, out of the corner of her eye she spotted her CO and Daniel enter the room, both with massive grins. The Colonel slapped Daniel on the back then disappeared into the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the distraction caused Jojo Michelle and Janet to move on to a different topic without her. One about Cassie. Sam internally sighed and smiled. She loved that topic and eagerly joined in.

At another lull in the conversation, Sam tried again. "Jojo Michelle, about earlier..."

Sam stopped again, this time distracted by the Colonel who, strangely enough, reappeared from the kitchen carrying a large bucket. She couldn't see what was inside as he passed by, but it smelled like...like coffee. Really, really good coffee. She turned and watched him plunk it down in front of Daniel who was sitting at a back table. Daniel's expression turned into one of pure bliss as the Colonel handed him a straw.

By the time Sam had turned around again, Jojo Michelle and Janet were already standing up, ready to go back to doing whatever it was that they did. Another opportunity to ask was gone.

Sam tuned out the loud sucking sound coming from the back table as she furrowed her brow. Dammit! What in the world could her underwear possibly have to do with a mission?!

Sam was rummaging through her underwear drawer in her quarters on base. She liked her quarters - they were really spacious with a nice bed, a good sized desk, a TV and DVD player and really keen hi-fi system. 

Plus, she could keep a lot of clothes there.

Weirdly enough, only SG-1 had their own quarters on base. Probably because everyone knew that SG-1 worked the hardest and Sam and Daniel all but lived in the mountain. It was like the fact that SG-1 had their own locker room, as well as the men's locker room and the women's locker room. And then there was SG-1's own private rec room and library.

There was a knock on the door. "Carter? You ready to go yet?"

"Not yet, sir!"

"Not yet? Are you kidding?"

Sam paused. "Sir, if someone told you to wear nice underwear, what would you think that meant?"

There was silence on the other side of the door. "Clean?" he suggested. 

She frowned. Had his voice been slightly squeaky? "Anything else?" she asked.

"Um... no cartoons?"

She rolled her eyes. Screw it. She'd just go with what she was wearing. So what if they had the Simpsons on them?

Sam quickly packed up the rest of her gear and scurried down the hall. Up ahead of her she could see Chandler and Joey deep in a conversation about meatball sandwiches. She smiled. Those guys were fun. She really did hate Ross though.

"How *you* doin'?" Joey asked with a smile and a nod as she approached.

"Oh, hey, Joey. You guys see the Colonel go by here?"

"Yeah, he just marched past." Chandler smirked. "Could the guy *be* any more military?"

"Don't get me started," Sam said with a roll of her eyes. "Well, see you guys in a day or two."

"Have fun off-world. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"What would that be, Joe?" Chandler asked. "Read a book?"

Sam smirked, parting ways with the two men. All except for Ross, she was glad all those guys came to work for the SGC. One could never have too many friends.

Sam ran into the gate room. Last again. Dammit. She gave a small wave to Jojo Michelle and Janet, then quickly took her spot next to the Colonel. And frowned.

There was something...she sniffed.

It smelled like...she looked over at him. She sniffed again.

It smelled like the Colonel was wearing cologne. Oh, not that she minded. It smelled really, really, really good.

"Move out, campers," he said with a grin.

*

"You women are not married?" Alien Priest said, sounding just a tad pissed.

Sam, Janet and Jojo Michelle looked at each other, sensing trouble.

"Ah... no?" Sam said, her voice squeaking slightly.

"Blasphemy! Bad! Not good! Crappiness! EVIL!" Alien Priest shouted, leaning on his stick and looking at his nails intently. "I think I need a new manicure. What do you think? I chipped my nail this morning and it's really bugging me."

Blinking slightly at the change in tone and conversation, Janet leaned forward. "Um... are we in trouble?"

"What? Oh yeah, sorry, slipped out of my clichéd alien bad-guy routine there for a minute," Alien Priest continued, quickly standing up straight and running his hands through his black hair, his piercing blue eyes searching the souls of the women in front of him... or maybe he was mentally making a shopping list.

Whatever.

"In order to suck up to our gods, you will have to get married!" Alien Priest yelled, raising his hands in the air. Looking around, he sighed and confided in them, "You know, this works so much better when I have an audience."

"Oh. Sorry about that," Jojo Michelle said, smiling sweetly at Alien Priest. "Colonel O'Neill took them all off to watch him shoot his weapon."

"It was a very impressive weapon," Alien Priest said seriously, nodding. "I have never seen a weapon like it. It was very... long." Suddenly, he seemed to realize he was 'fraternizing' with the enemy and he cleared his throat. "SO! What are you going to do about it then? Huh? Huh? If you do not suck up to our gods something really *bad* will happen on a scale of badness you've never... do you get the picture?"

They all nodded fervently. 

Sam bit her lip. Jojo Michelle checked the ends of her hair for split ends. Janet thought about sedating everyone just for the hell of it...

"I guess we'll all have to get married then," Sam said, eventually, glancing at the other two. "I got dibs on Daniel."

"WHAT?!?"

*

Jack fingered his P90. Fingered it and clutched it. And considering using it. He flipped it over to single shot. And fingered it again.

Standing not more than five feet in front of him was Carter in all her wonderfulness...holding DANIEL'S hand! Five minutes away from wedded bliss!

Yep. He was pissed off - more pissed off than he had ever been in his entire life. And that included the time Narim was just plain being an ass.

Of all the...!

Why did she...?!

Daniel?!!

Everything went painfully wrong the second they wandered back into the village. The male members of SG-1 pretty much knew that the Alien Priest was going to tell the girls that they had to get married, and so they had gone off to give them time to adjust to the idea and come to the logical AND CORRECT pairing conclusions.

Walking back up the path to the village, Jack had spotted Carter sprinting towards them. Sweet. He had spread his arms open, ready to tell her (pre-planned, of course), "Yeah, this really sucks. But I guess we better go along with it," when she ran past him and grabbed Daniel. Didn't she know that of all the potential couples in the SGC, theirs was the most likely?! He *knew* he should have sent her a memo.

So now they stood around Alien Priest, who decided that Daniel and Carter would be the first to be hitched in a typically strange alien wedding. One that seemed to involve a large offering of bananas.

"And we thank thee O Great and Powerful Suz," boomed the priest, raising his arms, "for giving us thy Text." A gleam shown in his eye as he began to recite those familiar words he had learned back as a child. "Thou shall not write songfic, unless it's a parody..."

*

Danny (for that was his nickname) fidgeted a bit. He could feel Jack staring at him and it was making him uncomfortable. Glancing over at Sam he wondered what in the name of all things Archaeological had possessed her to demand that they get married.

After all, everyone knew Daniel+Sam=Wrong whereas Jack+Sam=Right. Not that Daniel knew why he was doing strange Math equations in his head during his wedding, but that was beside the point.

Damn. Jack's eyes were so totally burning like a burning... burning thing into the back of his neck. It was really making him uncomfortable.

Daniel supposed he could have said no.

To Sam. Who had a gun.

Okay... so he couldn't have said no. But it was very nice of him to be thinking about it, thinking about sacrificing himself for Jack's happiness. It really showed the depth of feeling he had for Jack. In a completely non-sexual way, of course.

Daniel smiled to himself.

"Daniel, this 'Suz'," Sam whispered, leaning towards him while the Priest did his thing. "Is he a god you know of?"

Racking his brain, Daniel mentally sifted alphabetically through all the possible gods they hadn't come across yet. Suz? Suz... "It kinda sounds like Zeus," was all he could come up with.

Sam rolled her eyes. "That's great, Daniel."

He cleared his throat. It wasn't fair! He was being mocked during his wedding, the most important day of his... wait a second.

"I object!!!!"

Everyone looked at him. Well, Jack didn't actually have to look at him because he was already looking at him and so stating that he was looking at him made the point redundant but, still...

"*Ahem*," Daniel said, uncomfortably, "I just thought I'd raise this issue now, before we got to the... the binding part. I'm... kinda already married."

Sam's mouth dropped open.

"Everyone remembers Share, right? The girl with the apostrophe in her name somewhere?" Daniel pointed out, looking around and noticing that Jack was now smiling.

"And I'm also married," Jojo Michelle said, raising her perfectly manicured hand into the air. "The only women who aren't married are Sam and Jan."

Sam and Janet looked at each other.

"Then only you two need to get married at once! For you need to provide children...." the Priest intoned in his best Clichéd Bad Religious Guy Voice Version 4.2.

"Wait! Wait! I already have a kid!" Janet exclaimed ecstatically.

"Aw, man," Sam complained, "this sucks so bad. I knew I should have pressed to adopt Cassie."

"And," Daniel continued, triumphantly, "since I'm already married, as is Jojo Michelle and... Teal'c... kinda... and Janet already has a kid... that leaves... Jack!"

"YES!!!" Jack raced up and shoved Daniel out of the way. 

The Priest shrugged, not really caring who was marrying whom and picked up where he had left off. "...but no way in hell would he call her Sam in the forth and fifth seasons - if you're trying to stay in canon. For the record, the last time he specifically called her Sam was..."

"Wait." Jack stopped the man and gazed soulfully at his beloved. "Sam, why did you want to marry Daniel? I mean, you know that I care about you a lot more than I'm supposed to."

"Sir, you care about The Simpsons a lot more than you're supposed to."

"True...but still."

Sam sucked in her entire bottom lip, looked at the ground and kicked the dirt. "I know you're really in love with someone else."

The crowd gasped.

Daniel leaned over to Teal'c. "No one even thought of that option in the betting pool."

"Indeed," came Teal'c's one-worded response.

Jack stared at Sam as if she was trying to explain some naquada doohicky. "What?!"

"I overheard you. I remember it as if it was yesterday...because it was yesterday." She paused dramatically. "You said 'I love you' to Anise...right after she grabbed your yoyo."

The crowd gasped again.

Drawing on his immense Colonel-type abilities, he crafted a well-worded response. "Nuh-uh!"

"Sir, you were in the mess with her going through the food line."

Jack racked his brain. "Well, Anise was there. And she *did* grab my yoyo from off my tray. She has a really, really weird thing for it. And then..." Realization dawned on him. "No! I said 'I love fruit.' Fruit! I love FRUIT!"

"Banana?" The Priest asked eagerly and somewhat excitedly. He held out some fruit for Jack.

"Uh, no. Thanks. Maybe later."

Sam felt joy, color, light and tasty goodness flood her soul. "So that means..."

Suddenly to the embarrassment of everyone around, hell, to the whole planet, they began to sing.

Jack grabbed her hands and clutched them to his chest. o/'"You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me. A light in the dark shining your love into my life. You've been my inspiration, through the lies you were the truth. My world is a better place because of you." o/'

Daniel wandered over to a tree, carefully removed his glasses, wiped a bit of the dirt off of said tree and began to methodically bang his head against it.

Sam's enormous blue eyes glistened, making them look just as beautiful as the tropical island waters in the Bahamas...without all the fish, as her voice majestically burst forth. o/'"You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there was in me. Lifted me up when I couldn't reach. You gave me faith 'coz you believed. I'm everything I am because you loved me." o/'

"Sammie!"

"Jack!"

"Anthropuppy!!!"

Janet blew past the now mashed together pair, running as fast as her little legs could take her to Daniel, who had given himself one too many hits against the tree and now lay unconscious.

The Priest quivered nervously. Not because the couple in front of him still wasn't married. But because he knew the Great and Powerful Suz was going to be royally pissed at the fact that no one seemed to know what season they were in. 3? 4? 5? He flicked his eyes towards the sky, checking for thunderclouds and potential lightning bolts.

*

"I think I'm going to have to take Daniel home, sir," Janet shouted through the door of the 'Marriage Cabin' into which Sam and Jack had disappeared about two hours ago.

She pressed her ear to the door and listened hard. 

"Can you hear anything, Oh Small One?" the Priest asked.

Janet jumped and spun around. "What are you doing here?" she demanded. "And what did you just call me?"

The Priest blinked at her innocently. "It is customary to check on the newly wedded couple."

"Um... I'm not sure that's a good idea," Jojo Michelle said, quickly running to stand between Janet and the Priest and batting her considerable eyelashes at him. 

The Priest didn't seem to be particularly moved by Jojo Michelle's beauty and feminine wiles, which was odd because they'd never failed her before. Actually, the fact that he didn't seem interested in her was pissing her off. Vaguely. She didn't really get angry. Or really upset. Or... highly emotional at all. 

She was like Mary Poppins. Practically Perfect in Every Way. Except... she was *Perfect* in Every Way.

She was, in fact, better than Mary Poppins. Plus, she was way better at singing. And her clothes were way cooler.

"They have been in there for some time," the Priest murmured, shifting over to peer at the window, which was blocked on the inside by thick curtains.

"Do you think they have killed each other?" Teal'c queried, finally being given something to say.

"How?" Janet asked.

"By UST, of course," Jojo Michelle said omnipotently.

The Priest nodded sagely, leaning down and plucking something from the border of herbs that looked very much like sage. He sniffed it. "UST is indeed a very powerful weapon. If it is strung out for too long... accidents can happen."

"Like what?" Janet whispered.

"Ooooowwwwwww."

"Damn," she muttered, glancing back at Daniel who was lying prone on the ground, his hand against his head. The singing had really done him in, the poor boy. "Sir! I'm taking Daniel back to the SGC!"

No response.

"I will remain behind DoctorMajorJanetFraiseroftheSGC," Teal'c said, all in one breath.

"Okay. Sure." She bent down and plucked Daniel up, swinging him over her shoulder. She wobbled a bit, but was all right. She pointed at the Priest. "You leave them alone," she snapped and walked off.

"Okay, you Napoleonic Power Monger..."

"I HEARD THAT!"

*

About five minutes after Janet had started the eight-click hike back to the gate with Daniel slung over her shoulder, Teal'c really wished his finely honed Jaffa senses weren't so finely honed. Or perhaps that he could stoically jam a pointy stick in his ears. But in the long run that would not have been practical. Teal'c sighed and looked around. Apparently he was the only one who could hear them. Damn his finely honed Jaffa senses!

At least Jojo Michelle had remained behind and he found her to be one of the most pleasant Tau'ri he had ever had the pleasure and great honor of knowing. But even in her wonderful presence, he still wasn't able to ignore the sounds coming from the cabin behind him. However, he did not want to bother Jojo Michelle with small talk, no matter how great the discomfort was to him. Perhaps he should engage in conversation with the alien priest.

Teal'c slightly turned towards the man and paused. He didn't know the man's name. How could he possibly address someone if he didn't have a name to say jammed quickly together?

He smiled. In his mind.

"AlienPriestWithNoName?"

"Yes?"

"I wish to learn more about this god whom you call Suz."

The Priest seemed very pleased with the question. "Suz is magnanimous, just and wise. Suz is the goddess of fertility."

"I see. This Suz's eyes do not glow, do they?"

"Glow? No."

"May I ask what she looks like?"

"Well...do you have weasels on your planet?"

" I believe the Tau'ri have a creature known as the weasel..."

"With 42 nipples?"

Teal'c's eyebrow rose on its own. "42?"

"Yes."

"This is what she looks like?"

"Well, no one has actually ever seen Suz, but we know she would be pleased that we think of her like this."

"Most peculiar. I have never heard of such a god..."

"Excuse me," Jojo Michelle interrupted politely. "I have. Really, there isn't a culture, tradition, or deity that I haven't heard o..."

Suddenly the ground shook, rocking the three people back and forth - Jojo Michelle held out a hand to steady Teal'c until the shaking was over.

The Priest turned white as a sheet and pointed a trembling hand at the sacred Text in his hand. "Holy Kelownan Bananas!" he yelled, as was the practice on his planet when something really strange happened. "The Great and Powerful Suz has spoken!"

Teal'c's other eyebrow joined the first one. "What does she say?"

The Priest cleared his throat, giddy with the thought of reading new Text. "Thou shall not write MarySue fic. A Mary Sue is a new character who usually has the writer's own name; who the regular character(s) find themselves irresistibly drawn to, usually has an unusual feature (straight, jet black hair, 'striking' bright green eyes, etc), solves problems with complex electronic devices simply by reversing the polarity, can balance your checkbook and shows you how to make a cheap, clean-burning fuel."

Teal'c and the Priest looked at Jojo Michelle.

"But...but..." she cried knowing this couldn't happen to her - after all, she was the General's niece, "I really could help! I *could* solve problems with complex electronic devices simply by reversing the polarity! I *could* balance your checkbook! I *could* show you how to make a cheap, clean-burning fuel."

The Priest shrugged. They had plenty of fuel. Whenever they needed more heat they just threw on another cat.

"Oh crap." They were the last words she ever spoke. Jojo Michelle dissolved in a puff of smoke. Really, any other way would have been messy and so un-Jojo Michelle-like.

*

"Teal'c! Buddy!"

Oh boy, as Major Carter would say, Teal'c thought. Slowly, he turned around and looked at O'Neill. "I have sad news for you, O'Neill."

Jack grinned at him. Stretched. Grinned some more. Then, just for the hell of it, did a couple of cartwheels and jogged up and down on the spot. He appeared to be glowing. In the non... Oma sense. "I'm feeling freaking fantastic, T-buddy."

T-buddy? Teal'c thought. 

Shit'ac (the Jaffa equivalent of 'shit'). He hated it when O'Neill had sex. The man would be intolerable for *weeks*.

From behind O'Neill, Major Carter emerged, also grinning. She, too, was glowing quite a lot. 

In fact, Teal'c had a feeling that if it suddenly got dark, the two of them could probably light up the entire village with their post-coital glow.

Teal'c wanted to puke.

"I. Have. Sad. News," he said slowly and patiently.

It seemed he was always saying things 'slowly and patiently' for these people. Man, being superior and supremely cool was getting really old.

O'Neill and Carter were leaning on each other now, saying nauseously goofy things to one another.

He saw Carter lean over and pat O'Neill's ass.

Ugh. 

"O'NEILL!" he boomed.

Teal'c liked to 'boom'.

Jack jumped. "Woah, Tealc, buddy, something up?"

Major Carter giggled. Childishly. Teal'c narrowed his eyes at her and frowned disapprovingly. He did not like it when she giggled and he used to think O'Neill didn't either – in fact, he'd heard him say time and time again 'no giggling'.

Apparently that was no longer true, he noted as Colonel O'Neill grinned at her and all but giggled with her.

He *really* wanted to puke.

"Jojo Michelle is dead, O'Neill!" he announced finally, figuring he'd better cut to the chase. He didn't want to spend all of his screen time having an inane conversation with someone purely because of his excellent comedic timing and deadpan attitude.

"Really?" Major Carter's extremely unnatural blue eyes widened. They looked especially blue today because of her post-coital glowing thing. "How?"

"This Suz... smited her."

"Don't you mean 'smote'?" Jack asked.

"I see from my spell-check, I do," Teal'c murmured, tiredly.

"But... but.... did you know she was the General's niece?" Jack cried.

"I did not, O'Neill. I don't believe we'd discussed that with General Hammond before."

"No. He probably forgot. He has a really bad memory. You know he gets his grandkids mixed up? He thinks they're all girls when, actually, one isn't."

"No?" Carter asked. "Really? One of them's a boy?"

Jack shook his head. "No. So, anyway, Jojo Michelle's dead. Where's her body? We ought to take her back so we can send her through a wormhole backwards or get her caught in the kawoosh like the Tok'ra do."

Teal'c cleared his throat. "Unfortunately... she dissolved into a puff of smoke."

"Dissolved? Don't you mean 'disappeared'?" Sam asked, pedantically. 

Teal'c scowled at her. Okay, he didn't really scowl, exactly. He just looked slightly more stoic than usual. "No. I meant 'dissolved'. She dissolved. Neatly," he added.

"Oh. Okay."

Sam sniffed. "That's so sad."

Jack looked at her. "Do you want a hug?"

She nodded and buried herself into his arms, reveling in the strength and security she felt in his muscular arms.

Teal'c sighed. He wished someone would offer to give him a hug.

*

Janet stood on the ramp in the gate room very confused as the medical team rushed towards her. Usually, she was the one doing the rushing. Oh hey, apparently she had Daniel over her shoulder. But she had no idea why. She heaved Daniel onto a gurney as the General walked up to them.

"Doctor. Doctor."

Daniel nodded weakly to the General.

"Where's the rest of SG-1?"

Daniel and Janet looked at each other. "Uh, we have no idea?" Daniel suggested.

"How's that possible?" the General demanded in his own unique brand of General-type demanding.

"Well," Daniel began, taking a breath as he ran a hand through his blond hair in his horizontal position, "before we went through the gate I happened to jot down some ancient writings etched on that planet's gate."

"And?"

"Well, I really don't need to do any translations considering I know...how many languages is it again? Anyway, I'll just *say* that I need to do more translations just to be sure..."

"The point?"

"It's a memory eraser that only activates when you gate specifically from that planet to our planet."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Just between our two planets - nowhere else?"

"Apparently."

"Why would the Ancients do something like that?"

"Because they're dicks?" Daniel offered. Really, the Ancients were completely useless and he had a sneaking suspicion that they were actually a bunch of drunk SOB's. His theory was that Atlantis was nothing more than a sports bar where they hung out and placed bets on lower beings. They were *not*, however, in any way shippers. He really hoped to God he would never become one of them.

The General nodded. The Ancients were dicks. "So you wrote down the words while you were being carried by Dr. Fraiser."

"Yes."

"And you remember this even though you aren't supposed to remember anything."

"Yes."

"Okay." Really, it was just as plausible as about anything else that happened around there. His mind instantly went to the time most of SG-1 swapped bodies. Boy, things would have been *so* much more interesting if Major Carter had gotten in on that...

Daniel and Janet glanced at each other as the General stared off into space. Daniel fidgeted wondering if he should say something. Janet looked at her watch.

*

Teal'c did his best to ignore the two people behind him as he hiked towards the gate. The first five clicks back, AlienPriestWithNoName had followed them, attempting to get O'Neill to consume a banana. Extremely odd. The man had finally given up so now it was just the three of them. He glanced back.

Teal'c's grip around his staff weapon automatically tightened. O'Neill and MajorCarter were walking with their hands in each other's back pockets. Truly it would be self-defense now. No Tauri jury would convict him.

He walked up to the DHD and began punching the address. Who cared if it wasn't his job? Screw it. He beat at the DHD as giggling, cooing and smacking sounds came from behind him.

The wormhole engaged and he turned, having quickly sent the 'Code Red' IDC, and waited for his teammates to go through since it was his turn to be last.

"After you," Sam giggled at Jack, using a finger to play with his lips.

"No, after you," he said, playfully nipping back.

"No, you."

"You."

"You."

"You."

Nope, not a jury in the world.

"Sam?" Jack asked as he suddenly became serious and gazed into her deepest of deep blue eyes.

"Yes, Jack?"

He paused, staring soulfully at his new bride, his eyes glistening.

She reassuringly patted his ass.

"Can I carry you over the event horizon?"

Sam sniffed as she jumped into his arms. "I've been waiting for years to hear you say that," she said, nuzzling against his chest.

Jack carried her up to the gate. Just before stepping through, he gazed at her and began to sing, o/' "You're here, there's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on..." o/'

*

There was a lot of blinking when Sam, Jack and Teal'c came through the wormhole.

A whole lot of blinking.

There was General Hammond, blinking. Janet... also blinking. Daniel was blinking too but, him being Daniel, that was because he was trying to get an eyelash out of his eye. 

The SFs were blinking. In unison, which was kinda scary. They looked a little like startled rabbits. 

Jack stopped singing. And blinked.

"Carter?"

"Yeah?" she whispered.

"Was I just singing..." He swallowed manfully, "a song by *that woman*?"

Sam nodded, fiercely biting her rosy bottom lip. "I think... I think that might be possible, sir."

"And... and... you're definitely... in my arms."

She wiggled her feet, just for show and looked down at the ramp. He was pretty tall. She'd always liked that about him. "Uh huh, sir."

"Do you have... any idea why that would be?"

Sam blinked at him.

There was quite a bit of a breeze getting up, you know, due to all the blinking. 

Teal'c tapped Colonel O'Neill on the shoulder, for some reason feeling he needed to punish the Colonel. Teal'c was feeling fairly irritated with both of them, actually, but he had no idea why. And he really didn't expect to find out. "O'Neill, you appear to have what I believe to be a *hickey* on your neck."

Shit.

"Colonel O'Neill, what the [insert stereotypical Texan curse word] is going on here!!!"

Jack and Sam swallowed. And their swallows were so loud everyone in the room heard and swallowed in response. Kinda like when people throw up one after the other. Except this was sympathy swallowing.

The SGC liked to do things to support one another.

"Er.... would you believe... I can't remember?"

Hammond narrowed his eyes. There was only so many times that excuse was going to work.

Fortunately, he thought, brightening considerably and reaching up to rub his shiny bald head, this was one of those times.

"Okey-dokey!" he exclaimed, beaming at everyone. "The lot of you go to the infirmary. Um... that other doctor who isn't Doctor Fraiser will check you out. You know... that guy. Warren? Warrant?"

"I don't think it's really important, sir," Doctor Fraiser said, smiling smugly. After all, she was the only doctor of importance in this facility.

Like SG-1 were the only team of importance. 

They had so much in common, she thought, grabbing Daniel by the hand and dragging him off to the infirmary.

"Sir? I think you can put me down now."

Jack thought about it for a moment. "I don't think so, Major."

"Uh, why?"

He walked down the ramp and out of the gate room. "The way I figure... I had to be carrying you for a reason."

"Yeah...."

He smiled down at her. Tenderly. "Maybe one of those reasons is that you hurt your ankle."

She blinked. And her long, long eyelashes created a little breeze of their own. 

She didn't think her ankle was hurting but she really didn't want to take any chances. Why else would her sexy CO be carrying her through the wormhole?

Sighing, she leaned against his nice, secure, solid, friendly, happy broad shoulder and smiled. He was so noble! So helpful. So.... strong, particularly considering she was thirty *cough*something*cough* and not exactly petite. "Thanks, sir."

"Anything for the team, Major. Anything for the team."

-end?-

  



End file.
